Celebrate and Stop the Crazy Loop

					Q: I have a 15-year-old son who has established a pattern of running away. I've been advised to call the police when this occurs. What do you suggest? A: Running away is indicative of a child who has entered a fear state. When we, and all animals in the animal kingdom become threatened, we go into a primitive response called the "Fight or Flight" response. It is an inborn genetic response, which helps to protect us; it is a survival response.
With this understanding, it perplexes me to think that calling the police on a child in this survival response pattern would ever be recommended. Why would you call out the police to address a child who is simply acting from his body's primitive, automatic, and inborn response? Your child is acting from an unconscious level. It isn't a conscious response; it is an unconscious reaction. Addressing it from an authoritarian and fear based approach will only keep your child in this pattern; hence, you described it as an "established pattern." We have somehow come to believe that we can force change by provoking fear and threat. This is completely unnatural. Have you ever seen nature force a seedling to grow? This is a choice that has to come from an internal place from within a person. To give such advice about sending the police is an example of doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result (this of course, is the definition of insanity). Statistics reveal that more than one in 100 adults in the United States have been in jail or prison. This is an all time high. When are we going to realize that this isn't working? Our own fear keeps us in a constricted place, locked in from seeing other alternatives. Fear keeps us in a crazy loop of trying harder, "upping the ante," and driving more consequences in order to get our children to behave and to be compliant. Here is the traditional parenting crazy loop: For young children, we start by picking them up and putting them in the time-out chair. When they get too old to sit in time out, we began removing privileges in order to get them to comply. When this becomes ineffective with a "whatever" response from them, we increase the stakes and ground them for a week. Finally, as teenagers, they realize they have the ability to just leave and run away. Then we call in the big guns and call the police. None of the craziness above is effective in the long-term, and only limited in the short-term. This problem is, love has not been a part of the solution...that is why the crazy loop has continued. If you want to end the cyclical turmoil in a family, put love into action. Unfortunately, many of us have no blueprint for what this looks like, so it challenges us at a deep level to consider that it would actually work. The next time your son runs away (and I also suggest looking closely at the circumstances that led up to this event and determine how much fear from both you and him contributed to the situation), I want you to plan a celebration for his return. Instead of calling the police, call the caterer! Seriously, bake a cake or some cookies. Make a banner that says, "Welcome home, son. We missed you." When a child returns, what we typically do is dump our fear onto the child. Instead of saying, "I was scared for you," we typically say, "How dare you leave this house and not tell us where you were going!" We need to realize that it took a tremendous amount of courage for the child to walk back into that door, knowing the parent was going to lecture him about everything he had done wrong. Put love into action when he walks in the next time. "Son, I'm so glad you're home. We missed you." It takes putting your fear aside and getting down to your core feelings. You did miss him. You are glad he is home. Let him know how special he is in your life. If you've lost these loving feelings towards your child due to the intense dysregulation going on, revisit pictures of when he was younger and when times were calmer and more pleasant. Get yourself back into a loving place with him. Later in the day, take the time to be with your child and listen to him. Talk about what it is that drives him to leave. Really listen to him. Give him space to voice himself. Stay out of being defensive. Know that when he feels heard, he will be able to hear you. When you give him the gift of being understood, you then can take the opportunity to express your fear. "I just get so scared when you leave. When I don't know where you are, I can't do anything to help you at that point. I also can’t do my ultimate job for you as a parent, and that is to keep you safe." Be courageous enough to try something different. You have the capacity to interrupt the negative crazy loop and to change this established pattern with your child. It takes trusting that love never fails.

Get Spooked

Americais a big country and in it are some very haunted hotels, hospitals and houses. Familykenkel shares some of the coolest and probably most scary places to visit on or before Halloween. Hang on to someone.

Trans-Alleghany Lunatic Asylum, Weston, VA– Take someone strong with you to hold onto as this former state hospital is still be home to hundreds of patients who lived and died there. Some of them come back to visit.  Brave souls can stay overnight with an experienced ghost hunter.

Villisca Ax Murder House, Villisca, Iowa

Several people were killed in this house including some children. Visitors to the house reported spontaneous instances of hearing children's voices, falling lamps, moving ladders and flying objects. Sound like fun? Have at it.

The Marshall House, Savannah, Ga.

This is a somewhat fun and odd place to stay in the beautiful city. It once served as a Union hospital during the Civil War. Some guests who have stayed there reported waking up with an outstretched arm as if a nurse was taking their pulse. And be sure to check if your travel partner is in bed with you. Water faucets turn on spontaneously.

Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast, Fall River, Mass.

Once the home of Lizzie Borden, this historic old house is now a B&B. Borden was accused of killing her sleeping father and stepmother with an ax. People believe their spirits as well as Ms. Borden’s haunt the house. The B&B owners serve the same breakfast the Borden’s ate in an effort to lure them back. Believe it or not.

Familykenkel invites readers to share any other haunted houses, hospitals, business, theaters or any other location where the souls of those who have passed on come back to check on things.

Reveals Extra Special Pumpkins for Halloween

There are the carved pumpkins that moms and dads create to decorate the outdoors on Halloween. And then there are the extra special ones which fancy celebrities. familykenkel shares some cool ways to make a pumpkin look like Harry Potter, a sports star or a monster, and more.

There are pumpkin carving kits that give anyone the ability to carve a pumpkin so it looks like someone famous. And there are people who grow pumpkins to look like well-known monsters. Whichever way one decides to go, it will please both kids and adults during the special time of the year to find that they’re looking for.

In case one wants a pumpkin that is grown to resemble Frankenstein, there is a farmer in Ventura, California who grows pumpkins to look like Frankenstein. His gourds are called “Pumpkinsteins” and they sell between $75.00 and $125.00 dollars. We’re not sure if he ships them or not. We doubt it since there is no website for the “Pumpkinsteins”. But if you live in the vicinity, why not check it out?

familykenkel also suggests visiting local arts and crafts stores to find stencils to use at home for both drawing and carving.  Below are a few more websites where fans can download stencils to use.

Have a ghoulishly fun time finding what you need to make Halloween a scream. 

Good Habits for Working Out

Many people work out to feel better, get healthy, and gain more strength. And it doesn’t really matter if it’s a one hour power workout in the gym or a ten minute video done in the living room. It just feels good. familykenkel shares some good habits for people who work out – alone or with others.

Hungry? Grab a protein snack on the way to the gym or from the fridge if working out at home. Don’t ignore grumbling stomachs. Exercising on an empty belly can breakdown muscle tissue – which is counteractive to why people workout in the first place. One good habit to keep in mind is the closer to workout time you are – the more simple the meal or snack. Eat a banana, a piece of cheese and some fruit. Even a small bowl of cereal will give you added fuel to start and finish the workout.

Using the equipment at the gym? Take your own sanitizing hand wipes or spray and bring your own water bottle. Wipe or spray the handles, knocks and anything else your hands touch before using the machine. Dry it well with a paper towel. No one wants to put their hands on someone else’s sweat. Make your own flavored water at home with water, lemon, lime, mint, and orange slices, add ice, cover and shake. Avoid using the water fountains.

In a rush to get to spin class on time? Leave a little earlier and avoid speeding to the class.

If working out at home, familykenkel learned the hard way to move free weights out of the way when done using them. One accidental toe stubbing resulted in a week’s worth of limping. Choose a time when no one is home to work out. Or carve time out for yourself by taking a power walk around the area. This is your time. Make it work for you.

New Recipient for the Notorious Gold Star

Q: I understand many of the Beyond Consequences principles and the idea of relationship-based parenting resonates with my heart. However, could you please explain more about why I should see my child’s issues as “regulatory” instead of “behavioral” and the neuroscience that supports this concept? A: Yes, I often say, “A child’s issues are not behavioral, they are regulatory,” because we need to parent children at the level of regulation and relationship. This is imperative, especially with a child who experienced childhood trauma, because we can then more deeply address the critical forces within this child that operate at
deeply address the critical forces within this child that operate implicit levels, beyond the exchanges of language, choices, stars, and sticker charts. The brain is growing at a rapid pace the first two years of life. Forty thousand (40,000) new synapses are formed every second in the infant’s brain. This growth and maturation is experience dependent on the social interactions from right-brain to right-brain between the parent and the child. The right brain is dominant for all children during the first two years of life in order to fully receive and interact with these non-verbal visual, tactile, and verbal communications from the parent. Research suggests that the regulatory interactions between the child and parent during these primal years is essential in order for the brain’s synaptic connections to develop normally and for functional brain circuits to be established. The attachment relationship is a major organizer for the brain during these primary years due to its ability to help the infant regulate emotions and states of stress. Additionally, relationships that offer emotional availability from the parent give the child a chance to develop healthy and responsive regulatory systems. An emotionally available parent provides a dyadic interaction that is socially stimulating and rewarding. This attachment communication is dynamic, multi-sensory (facial expression, auditory, verbal, and tactile), and reciprocal. These relationship-based interactions continue to be a driving factor in a child’s development well beyond these primary years. The engaging and safe social interactions in infancy provide the foundation and backdrop needed to later communicate with and understand and successfully read future caretakers. The child’s interpersonal neurobiology continues to crave connection and relationship throughout childhood in order to ensure healthy development into adulthood. However, when much of a child’s early life experiences have activated his fear response system, the child develops a negative and hopeless blueprint rather than a blueprint organized by affection and optimism. Dominant experiences of fear, loss, abandonment, terror, distress, rage, and indifference from the parent create ill-formed neurological pathways. Overwhelming amounts of stress in childhood create a child who is limited in his window of stress tolerance and ability to modulate emotional and affective states. The good news is that children are resilient and plastic. Meaning, a child’s nervous system and neurological pathways have plasticity, the ability to change, adapt, acquire, and create new and improved neurological pathways. It was in the relationship and emotional states of fear and overwhelm that the damage happened so it stands to reason that it is in the relationship and emotional states of safety and love that the repair and healing happens. Interactive repair, or simply, a safe relationship is what it takes. The most important and most effective “behavioral technique” your child needs in order to move him back within the behavioral boundaries of your home is relationship. Too much emphasis has been placed on what behavioral technique should be used or which punishment should be imposed. Well-meaning parents, who do not understand the concept of regulation nor understand the power of the relationship, use behavioral techniques far removed from human relational experiences. These techniques continue to fail over and over, keeping the family in chaos and potentially moving the family into crisis. Historically, when techniques were used and they resulted in behavioral change, the credit was given to the technique itself. Upon closer inspection, however, the question begs to be asked, “Was the technique or the relationship the influencing factor that brought about change?” The credit should not be given to the technique but rather the relationship that is at the heart of the child’s experience. The child values the relationship and changes his behavior in order to ensure his connection. It was the power of the relationship that created change, not the threat that came with the technique. Build the relationship; it is the key. It is the relationship that does the work…that is where real change happens because it is in the right brain-to-right brain experience that children are able to get back on course. More importantly, it is change that brings not only behavioral shifts, but deep healing that permeates to the heart and soul of a child who has experienced pain and vulnerability. (Isn’t that what really deserves that gold star?).

Information on the New Flu Vaccine

It is that time of year when health professionals are urging the public to get the flu vaccine. familykenkel shares information about what’s new with the flu vaccine this year.

Young children can get the ouchless vaccine via nasal spray. Seniors are encouraged to get an updated flu/pneumonia vaccine this year. One hundred children died from the flu last year and most of them were no vaccinated. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention states that approximately 24,000 people passed away last year from flu-related issues. The new Flu Mist Nasal Spray is recommended for children between ages two and eight. The mist can be also be used for anyone up to age 49 and not pregnant. Seniors over age 65 should also get the pneumonia shots – which should be given six months apart.

familykenkel knows there are other forms of the vaccine to ask the doctor about:

the regular shot; an egg-free shot for those allergic to eggs; a high-dose shot just for those 65 and older whose immune systems may need an extra boost; and a tiny-needle shot that just penetrates the skin. Don’t wait until flu season is in full swing (January to February) to get vaccinated.  Call the doctor to see if the vaccine is available and get it now. Prevention is the key to staying healthy and well this year.

Benefits of Renting Versus Owning a Home

Many former home owners turned to renting when the Great Recession hit and joined those were already renting a home, condo or apartment. These people found some benefits to renting versus owning a home, which familykenkel details below.

U.S.census data reported by RealtyTrac states the number of renters in American homes rose to 34.5% in 2011.  Close to one-fourth of all U.S.metro regions saw higher rental rates, which are still in effect today. When more people want to rent, the higher rental rates will be. Plus, the number of millenials who are now working are also renting.  This creates a shortage of rental homes and gives property management companies and landlords carte blanche to hike rental rates.  Despite the rise in rent and the lack of affordable housing, there are benefits to this type of living:

• Renters do not have the responsibility or cost of home repairs.
• They do not have to worry about lawn maintenance.
• They can pack up and move when the lease expires.
• They can negotiate for a better rate when moving in or when renewing, and add perks such as a new microwave oven, free carpet and air duct cleaning and valet trash service.

Familykenkel show encourages readers to be sure to explore different cities and towns close to work before signing a rental lease. Also, be sure to read every page of the lease, even if the lease it long – as most are. Ask questions. Be very much informed about what the lease covers and does not cover, when rent is due and what the late fee is per day. These are items which can make renting pleasant or miserable. Renting is not for everyone. But neither is home ownership.

Asks if Parents Should Snoop on Their Kids

Are there parents who insist their kids text them as soon as they get on the bus and as soon as they get to school? Do parents download and install GPS-related software so parents know where their kids are at all times? familykenkel ask these questions and a few more to gauge if parents snoop on their kids.

Today’s children have many more possibilities to end up in danger than in previous decades.  The Internet and smart phones with Internet access make it easy for anyone to contact them. Social media accounts are also huge draws for the wrong kind of people to reach out and touch kids. So, we ask: should parents snoop on their kids? Do they snoop on their kids and how?  In earlier times, it was common for mothers to read their daughter’s diaries. Now both parents can see what their brood is writing on the Internet and in texts and can monitor it.

There are some products parents can use to keep track of what kids are up to: NetNanny, SafeEyes, and MamaBear to name just a few. Familykenkel asks why parents need products like these and the answer is this: more than three quarters of American kids age12 to 17 have cell phones, half of those devices has Internet access, social media and email access. In addition, a survey found that 40% of fifth graders have their own cellphones, 75% of teens aged 13 to 17 have at least one social media account, and more than two-thirds say they text every day.  Parents always want to be sure their children are safe. Snooping on kids is one way to find out if they are okay, happy, not being bullied, where they say they are and safe.

Survey Says...

Finding solutions for our children at school has proven in the past to be an arduous and difficult task. I have sat in school meetings with over twenty professionals, ranging from teachers, principals, district personnel, caseworkers, psychiatrists, nurses, parents, education advocates, and more, all working to find solutions for one challenging student. Discussions, both pleasant and heated, have lasted for hours on end, only to come to the conclusion that another meeting needs to be scheduled in order to discuss the issues further. Through all of this, I have come to one conclusion:

This is way too complicated! We need to ask our children what they need. And I did just that. In my most recent eNote, I invited children to give their opinions about school. Here are the amazing results: 1. What do children need at school to make learning better? What would make you look forward to getting up and going to school every day? Be more understanding of our ever changing abilities (due to stress even if you don't see it). Less students and more one on one with the teacher. The students need their peers to be supportive. So maybe have a game once a week that will involve the students with their other peers working together to figure something out. By doing this, other students will get to know their classmates better and build positive relationships. Kids shouldn't have to line up and wait. They bother each other when in line. Having teachers and other people at school greet us in the morning, like they are happy to see us. I look forward to technology, because it makes me feel a part of the world. I get confused from a book. I can look up on the Internet to learn better. Teachers who are more hands on with their students. Don't just hand out assignments and lecture; they get more involved with the students. Knowing that I am waking up to a happy family. Would be great if it started later because I'm always stressed out about getting up and having to run to get dressed and rush to school. Teachers should make people feel good in the class and not bullied. Keeping things the same on set days. 2. Did you like school this past year? Why or why not? Yes, because I had the best teacher ever and she helped my class become a family. Yes, because my grades have gone up than last year. At my old school, they didn't sit down with me and explain what to do. But at my new school my teacher would always keep me after school and ask what are you having problems with and how can I help? She works with her students. No because the teachers were mean to me and punished me and put me in detention every day when I didn't even need it. YES - I liked my teachers alot better this year because they understood me. Yes, I liked playing at recess and I liked math. But I didn't like when the teacher yelled at kids, it made me scared. No, I did not like school this past year because my teacher called me stupid in front of the entire class, she sat me in the back of the classroom away from all my peers, and also by a window where she knew I would not pay attention. 3. Do you think homework helps you learn more? Please explain. No, because it just fries your brain and doesn't allow time for break and bond with your family. Homework should be school work because at home you're supposed to spend time with your family. Yes, cause sometimes you get homework that you don't know and then your parents help you with it and then you know it for the next time it comes around. No. Homework causes stress and stress causes nightmares. I don't think lots of homework is good because we want time to ourselves after school. 4. If you'd like to add anything I haven't asked in regards to school, please list it here: The teacher helped me succeed, by calling on me when I knew the answer and it made me feel better about myself. She taught me to never give up. I think they should use less books and more technology along with hands on training (everyone learns differently). I wish that other kids understood my disability better, so I would have more friends. Out of the mouths of babes, we have brilliant, yet very easy solutions that can be implemented into the classroom. Additionally, most of these solutions do not require any additional funding or resources. They all simply require being able put oneself into the perspective of the child and to feel what it is like to be the student once again. Incredibly, the responses, randomly collected from students in various grade levels, all reflected five key ingredients: Relationship Regulation Encouragement Understanding Emotional Safety And these five ingredients add up to same word: LOVE.

Qualities of Mindful Woman

Women come in all shapes and sizes. There are those who tackle life’s obstacles with brash loudness, emotional tantrums and angry rants. And then there are those who manage to stay calm, display reason and are not egotistical in nature. These are some of the qualities of the mindful woman familykenkel.

Mindful women think of themselves in the way they wish to be perceived. Quiet confidence is a sign of grace and a trait some ladies do not possess. A mindful woman is well aware that being in control in all situations is vital to being perceived as strong and confident. They feel no need to be manipulative or use emotional tricks. People view this calm, rational person as smart, and smart is sexy.

Sexy is not when one dresses in a provocative manner, but when one dresses in a way which shows some constraint while evoking professionalism. Women can be classically sexy and inventive by using their charm, intelligence and beauty in a way which makes others try to draw more of that out of them. familykenkel suggests being clear when it comes to your standards and not yielding to others gracefully. Demanding women are annoying to be around and no one really wants to spend time with them. Always put yourself first. Once you are taken care of, it’s easier to be mindful of the others. Look in the mirror often. What kind of woman do you see? Do what you can to make her a more mindful person. Maybe others will follow.

Back to School Success

Q: My son is an angel at school but a terror at home. He was even student of the month last school year. But when he gets home, our home is absolute chaos and he is just nasty to me.

A: Many children work to be 'normal' all day long at school so when they get home, they are exhausted. The result is they collapse into negative behaviors. When they are stressed at school, they hold it together all day long and then in their 'unwinding' of the day, they become "terrors."

Due to early experiences of trauma, children can become sensitive to environmental stressors. Their regulatory systems have been compromised and they have difficulty remaining calm and behaved when faced with the challenges of a school setting.

Additionally, children become fragmented and split between home and school. Many parents report that they literally have two different children in these two different environments. This fragmentation is not healthy to the child's overall development of the self so it is important that this be addressed effectively for the child. 

When we look at the dynamic of the school setting, consider the energy it takes for your child to maintain appropriate behaviors at school is far greater than the average student. He may look well put together externally, but internally, he is running at high speed to ensure he becomes the perfect student. Thus, when he gets home, it is as if he has run a marathon; he is exhausted, unable to hold it together anymore. 

In order to create more balance for your child, consider ways to reduce some of the major stressors he experiences at school:

Social stress - Peer interactions are exceptionally stressful, especially for children who function at a lower emotional level than their peers. Some children may need less social time and more time-in with a regulated adult at the school. 

Transitioning from one activity to another - Transitions such as going from the playground to the classroom, from art to P.E., and from the cafeteria to the classroom, are difficult for many children. Many of the traumatic experiences of children happened around transition, so they are going to be sensitive in this area and may need additional support. 

After school care - Staying at school for an additional hour or two is stressful after a full day of school. Children just need to go home after school. After-school care is typically less structured and less predictable, which is a horrible combination for a child who is already stressed out by this time of the day. 

Teachers - The type of teacher your child has can determine the entire outcome of the child's school year, both positively and negatively. A calm, regulated teacher, who has control of the classroom, well-established boundaries, and reasonable expectations for your child will help your child maintain his own level of regulation during the school day. 

Riding the school bus - If your child is sensitive to loud environments and chaotic social situations, the school bus is not an option. He needs you to take him to school and pick him up from school. Helping your child transition from home to school through a peaceful car ride can set your child up for a successful day. Remember that the number one responsibility you have as a parent is to drop your child off at school as regulated and calm as possible. This gives him at least a fighting chance and a larger window of stress tolerance as he faces a stressful day. 

Stress-inducing requirements - Alternatives that reduce stress instead of increase stress need to be explored and established for your child either through a 504 Plan or an IEP (Individualized Educational Program). Many times it is the small things that can make a huge impact. For example, timed testing can completely throw a child into a stress reaction, impacting your child’s ability to think clearly, and should be avoided. 

Also, just the thought of coming home and doing homework for many children creates a stress reaction. Some families have been able to write into the child's IEP that homework will not be required because it creates too much chaos in the home.

Another major point to consider is that your child's relationships at school are very different from his relationships at home. School relationships are indiscriminate. They don't require close connection, thus they are safer. Close relationships, like parent-child relationships, require intimacy which requires vulnerability. For children with traumatic histories, their trauma happened in the context of close relationships. This sets your child up to be in fear of connection of you, not with the milkman or of teachers, but of you, the person closest to him. 

As you are able to parent within a love-based framework, you are establishing an environment that decreases the threat of this relationship. If you need more examples of how to parent in a loving way while still maintaining rules and boundaries in your home, see my Q&A book, "Dare to Love." Real examples of how to apply the Beyond Consequences principles are given throughout the entire book.         

I also encourage you, as the parent, to check in with yourself. Determine how you are feeling and what messages are swirling around in your mind. It's easy to get into a framework that says to your child, "If you can behave for your teacher at school, then my gosh, I'm your parent...you can certainly behave for me!" 

It's very easy to take it personally and to interpret your child's negative behavior as an attack on you. As a parent, you are working so hard as to help your child, to heal them, and to love him/her. Yet, the reality is that they don't know what to do with the stress from school and they are still living in fear of connection with you. The struggle is not with you; it is with themselves. Continue to go beyond the obvious and reach to the core of the issue---fear and stress. 

Side Road Trip Weirdness

We know school started and the big family vacations have more or less slowed to a halt. But, the holidays are around the corner and so are road trips to visit the relatives. familykenkel encourages readers to take a little side trip to these crazy, quirky roadside attractions.

The Rain Barrel, ArtisanMuseum, Islamorada, FL – Located at Mile Marker 86.7 in the Florida Keys is easily seen by the giant lobster in the front. The site has great gift shops, a vegetarian restaurant and is generally a good place to stop and stretch before heading further south in US 1 or before getting on the 18 mile stretch if heading north.

Carhenge, Allliance, Nebraska – This is the Stonehengeversion but with cars. Thirty-eight vintage (read old) cars were used to make it.

Red Wood Forest, Klamath, CA – The giant Tree of Mystery are pretty cool when one thinks about how they grew that way.

Lucy the Elephant, Margate, New Jersey – The six story elephant is pretty cool to walk through if heading to the any of the Jerseyshores for a family reunion.

The familykenkel wants to know if readers know of any other weird road stops across the country. America is a very large country and we are sure there are other places people know about which are just plain fun, quirky, or odd. Please feel free to share with others.

Cleaning Out the Emotional Closet

Emotional ClosetQ: How do you give a narrative to a child that suffered neglect as an infant during the first three months of his life, especially when I do not know the details? A: What a great question! Children need to know their stories. This helps them understand themselves and gives them an understanding of who they are. The actual details of the story are not important, and in fact, should not be the focus. This is especially true for trauma that happened preverbally (before the child was speaking). Infants and young children are 100% emotional beings, so the story needs to be told from this level to connect with the child's early experiences. When giving your child his story, focus on how the child felt (helpless, scared, terrified, sad, hungry, etc.). A child who was neglected missed the warm and nurturing touch of a parent, so hold your child next to you or in your lap while giving him his story. The important factors are your tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, and tempo of movement and speech. These are all right brain expressions that will speak to the subconscious experiences of your child. Dr. Allan Schore, the "king" of affect regulation, explains that the right brain is the unconscious processor of the emotional self. The attachment bond is an emotional bond, so it takes expressing yourself and your child's story at the emotional level. What you say isn't as important as how you say it. A dialogue might sound something like this: "When you were a little baby, sweetheart, you were really scared. Your mommy wasn't able to help you like you needed her to. There were many times that you were left in your crib alone. Babies get super scared when this happens because they are helpless. I'm certain this is how you were feeling. It probably felt like you weren't lovable, also. I do wish I could have been there. I'm so sorry this happened to you, honey." I was speaking to a mother just the other day about giving her daughter who was severely neglected for the first year of her life her story. The mother's fear prompted these questions, "Do you think that this will just make it worse for her? Won't this only bring up bad memories and get her upset?" This is a fear that parents have…and, of course. You're just trying to get better and move on in your healing process and I'm suggesting a trip back in time to expose the pain and overwhelm. The paradox is that in order to move forward, it takes going backwards, seeing the fullness of the trauma and experiencing it at all levels. When your child's story goes unexpressed, he will be subconsciously living out it everyday. This pain and overwhelm will continue to influence him and drive him in his actions. You're not giving him anything new by giving him his story. You're simply bringing the subconscious to the conscious so it doesn't have the power to create dysregulation anymore. When these stories, connected to the feelings and emotions, can be expressed, healing happens. So the question then becomes, "Whose fear is this really about?" Resistance is about the parent's fear of going back to experience the depth of darkness that the child experienced. Just the thought of what some of our children went through is completely overwhelming to us. I remember one day my daughter, who was also severely neglected, was beginning to open up to her early life experiences. I was getting so overwhelmed by her pain that I had to call a friend over to be with me so I could stay present with her. I needed support. Interesting that it was too much for me as an adult, so why is it that we expect our children to live alone in this kind of pain by themselves and be okay? Find the courage to experience your child's early life with him, feel the impact of his feelings of being unworthy, and validate how bad it was for him. Then, you will have opened up the space for healing and a connected and happy future. Remember that attachment is about decreasing negative emotions. But even more than that, attachment is about increasing positive emotions. Clean out the closet to make room for joy, happiness, peace, and love!

Why One Size is Not the Same across Name Brands

What’s in a size, anyway? Why are clothing sizes so different when they are the same? Familykenkel wants to know why one size is not the same across names brands.

If a woman were to walk into a department store and try on three pairs of jeans all in the same size, would they all fit the same? No, they would not. Many clothing manufacturers and designers use their own sizing specifications as a marketing ploy. If a size 12 from Lucky Brand fits great, a size 12 from Levi’s may not. 

An average women’s size 12 can vary as much as 1 to 3 inches in the waist of jeans, and to 3 inches in the hips. This is why it is important to find the right size in the right clothing line and stick to it. Sizing standards are specific to the brand and not to the standard size itself. Familykenkel knows that most of us have a favorite brand of jeans and know which size fits us best. We tend to be loyal to those, but occasionally want something a little jazzier for evenings out. This is when it pays to take the time to try on different brands.  Find one or two that fit and look the best and grab a few pairs in different washes. You’re good to go then.

Bridal Fashion Trends

Many married women have a love-hate affair with shopping for a wedding dress or gown. It is a rite of passage to shop the bridal magazines for the most beautiful dress and to visit all the bridal shops in the area for one that fits great and is not going to break the wedding budget. And now there is a new avenue for getting that awesome, perfect dress or gown and without going broke. Familykenkel details to latest bridal trend.

What if an engaged woman walked into a posh bridal salon and walked out with the ideal wedding gown – and paid less than five grand for it? This is exactly what can happen if the gown is rented and not bought, and is the best new bridal trend. Top wedding dress designer creations from Jenny Yoo, Nicole Miller, and Badgley Mischka, among others, can be found online at e-retailers like Little White Dress, Rent the Runway and Borrowing Magnolia. Familykenkel believes renting a wedding gown is a great idea for older brides or for ones who wish to spend more of the bridal budget on other things such as the cake, flowers, food or music.  A girl can still wear her dream dress and have her cake and eat it too.