Red White and Blue Foods

The American July Fourth holiday is this week and patriotism with its red, white and blue colors will be on full display. Of course, this means red, white and blue food also and Familykenkel offers some choices to make for the family or a group picnic.

Pull out all the stops for his great American holiday with some to easy to prepare patriotic goodies.

Dip giant ripe strawberries half way in melted white chocolate. Then dip the tips in blue sprinkles. Refrigerate until it’s time to take them out and enjoy.

Slice red tomatoes and arrange in a circle on a platter leaving a hole in the middle. Fill the hole with potato or macaroni salad. Use blueberries to make little stars.

How about a pizza that looks like the American flag? Purple potatoes, when cooked, turn blue and can be sliced to look like stars. Bacon is the perfect food to form red stripes. The pizza dough itself is great to use as the base.

The Familykenkel encourages everyone to be creative when preparing holiday food this week. There are an abundance of ideas on the Internet, even by looking up an image of “red, white and blue food”.  The dynamic show premieres July 8 at 7 AM on WE tv.

Examine Stinky Car Syndrome

Familykenkel will offer some advice to drivers whose car interiors may not smell as fresh as the air coming in through the window.  How does this happen?  Food or drinks get spilled and if this happens on a highway commute or when the driver is in a hurry to get somewhere, the spill may not be tended to for a long time following the incident.  This gives stains and smells a chance to set in and become permanent.  When transporting groceries home from the market, be sure nothing slips out and hides beneath a seat.  As that food item deteriorates, it will issue a mysterious smell that may confound the car owner for days or weeks before the culprit is located.  Sometimes it is an animal that crawled into the car interior or the engine compartment.  If the critter is now deceased, its presence will soon become known, but the remains may be lodged in an inaccessible spot.

Familykenkel will examine why our cars sometimes not only act their age but smell their age too.

The Familykenkel offers some solutions to vehicular halitosis.  Keep some paper towels available at all times -- excess napkins from fast food restaurants can serve well if kept handy in the car.  Spilled liquids will quickly find their way underneath carpeting to the lowest spot in the car, and this may require professional help to deal with.  Some experts suggest ozone generators or neutralizing sprays, which actually absorb odors.  For less severe odor control, common products like Febreze can help.  The key is to open all the windows and give your car a good airing out afterward.  You don't want for you and your passengers to be stuck inside a closed environment full of chemicals.

Opening the Internal Door

			Q: I find some teachers are worried that by breaking the stress cycle with a student, they will reinforce the negative behavior. For example, if a student bangs his head, a staff person will interrupt the student by taking him on a walk. Yet, there is resistance to taking him for a walk because the staff are concerned they will "reinforce" his head banging. A: From a behavioral framework, this concern is perfectly valid. The traditional way of thinking puts the focus on the behavior, and thus, it would look as if the staff person was "rewarding" this child by taking him on a walk. However, the head banging is more than just head banging for the sake of head banging. We must stop and ask the question, "What is driving this child to bang his head?" Asking this question is the most important step in understanding why taking the child for a walk is not a reward.
Instead of seeing a negative behavior simply as something to extinguish, consider that all behavior is a form of communication. A child's behavior, whether positive or negative, is like opening a door to the inner world of the child. Shutting down the child's behavior is like shutting the door to his inner world. Our responsibility as adults in this child’s life is to open this secret door, to find out and understand what is going on internally. A child communicating with negative behavior, such as banging his/her head, is a child who is dysregulated. Dysregulation is the state of being out of balance, outside one's window of stress tolerance, or as one child put it to me so eloquently, "oozing." Dysregulation happens at all levels of our existence: physically, emotionally, cognitively, mentally, and spiritually. We all know the experience of being dysregulated at the physical level (although we may not have referred to it as this) when we did not sleep well the night before. How did you feel? What about the time you missed a meal or the opposite, when you finished Thanksgiving Dinner and overstuffed yourself? This feeling of being physically dysregulated affected your concentration, mood, speech, memory, and simply the ability to be nice and patient with others. Children, whether exhibiting negative behaviors in the classroom or at home, need adults in their lives to understand that the root cause of these behaviors is the lack of ability to regulate. They have a compromised regulatory system, meaning their ability to shift back into a state of balance and to appropriately handle life stressors is underdeveloped. This is a regulatory issue, not a behavioral issue. A two-year old having a tantrum when getting frustrated is commonly accepted because it is understood that the child has not developed the coping skills to deal with being frustrated. However, a ten-year-old having a tantrum for the same reason is commonly viewed as unacceptable. It is expected that this ten-year-old be able to handle himself appropriately. The ten-year-old, however, may not be equipped to handle, modulate, and manage his emotions due to an interruption in his developmental path that prevented him from developing this skill. Therefore, his tantrums should no longer be considered "bad behavior." Rather, the tantrums should be viewed as dysregulated behavior. The answer to helping this child change his pattern lies in helping the child learn how to regulate, not in punishing him for the tantrums (which of course, will only cause him more frustration, heightening his dysregulation and potentially increasing the tantrums). As with the student in the above question, his head banging is being driven from a place of dysregulation. The "disciplinary action" thus needs to focus on understanding what is driving the dysregulation and then helping this child re-regulate. Ultimately, this type of intervention will teach this student how to regulate his internal world on is own--to self-regulate. Taking the student for a walk is a perfect example of how to interrupt the build-up of his internal stress. Taking him on a walk and helping him to regulate through the power of connection and relationship is exactly what he needs in order to ultimately be able to connect with himself and learn the invaluable tool of self-regulation. When you see the head-banging as a regulatory issue, rather than a behavior issue, the fear of reinforcing the negative behavior is no longer in the realm of possibilities. --------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some suggestions or tools/techniques to help our children and their teachers when they are getting stressed in the classroom?
A: When the stress level begins to rise in the classroom, the best strategy is to stop, interrupt the stress cycle, and get back to a place of regulation. Due to the academic demands placed on teachers, this becomes a challenging task. However, taking two or three minutes out of a rigorous academic lesson can actually create more learning in the long run. When we are at work and get overloaded and overwhelmed, what do we do? We head for the coffee, log into Facebook, eat a candy bar, or call our significant other. It is a natural way for us to get back into balance. Students in the classroom need the same type of break but done in a group setting with the goal of getting everyone back to a state of regulation. Here are a few suggestions that only take a few minutes out of an academic schedule:
	1. 2. 3.	Stop. Have the students close their eyes. Breathe. Listen to one soft soothing song as an entire class (classical, jazz, soft rock, etc). Prior to leaving for the next class or transitioning to specials or to lunch, turn down the lights (do not flicker the lights as this creates too much stimulation for many children). The teacher can talk about where they are going, how they are going to get there, and help the students visualize in their minds the transition. This gives children the ability to process the transition in order to reduce any fears. Many children have difficulties transitioning because it was in the times of transition that trauma happened. Thus, any transition now in their lives can be challenging. As a class, put the pencils down and stand-up. The teacher leads the class in breathing exercises while leading the students through some light stretching exercises right at their desks. Getting the body moving in a gentle fashion can help to shift students getting dysregulated "back into their bodies." Many students, especially the quiet ones, will tend to dissociate when overloaded. Physical movement is a very effective way to help these students shift back and regain their focus.
School is stressful for everyone but it can also be where some of a child's best memories are created. Keep the focus on regulation instead of behavior and this can be one of your child’s best years! Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, and Dare to Love P.S. Check out my Ask the Expert Interview with Sherrie Eldridge, as she speaks out adoption, adopted children and how their parents are drawn closer. http://www.asktheexpertinterviews.com

Cleanest Beaches in the U.S.

Summer vacations are in full swing and many people are heading to the beaches on each coast and at lakes for a relaxing break from the daily grind. Familykenkel would like to share information about the cleanest beaches to visit this year.

According to a report from the Environmental Protection Agency, ten percent of samples taken from US coastal and lake beaches failed to meet federal safety standards for bacteria and viruses. The polluted water at some beaches stems from storm run-off and sewage overflows near where people swim and sunbathe. In light of this, there are some stellar beaches where vacationers can enjoy clean water.  The US agency puts these five areas at the top of their list:

• Delaware: Dewey Beach-Swedes in Sussex County
• Florida: Bowman's Beach in Lee County
• Georgia: Tybee Island North in Chatham County
• Massachusetts: Singing Beach in Essex County
• New Jersey: Stone Harbor at 96th St. in Cape May County

These are all popular locations for family vacations every summer. Other places to visit where water quality sample results were favorable are:

• The Delmarva Peninsula area on the East Coast
• Delaware, New Hampshire and New Jersey

The Familykenkel invites readers to explore these clean coastal areas. There is so much to do and enjoy there that everyone will be happy. Take a dip in the water knowing that no bacteria or viruses will cause illness or a rash this summer. Enjoy!

Clean Up Your Credit Report

There are literally hundreds of articles on the Internet on how to clean a messy credit report. What makes this one different is that you can do it yourself, without paying an agency a fee, and keep on top of it at the same time. Familykenkel shares how to clean up your credit report –yourself.

It takes time and effort but the end results will show on your credit scores.

• Order your free credit reports online. Order one each per quarter and not all at once.
• Save and print the report.
• Examine everything on it from previous home addresses, SSN, past jobs, and credit cards for inaccuracies.
• Determine how old the item is. If it is a credit charge, it should not be more than 7 years old. Bankruptcies stay on for 10. If you find items older than this on the report, put a check mark beside them.
• Dispute any incorrect information on the report with the crediting agency (such as Mastercard) or with the Fair Credit Reporting Agency. You can find it online while in the report or enter the agency name in the location bar and file it that way.

Most of the time, these tactics do work. Familykenkel recognizes that it feels good to handle this yourself and get the results you desire. Sometime the underdog wins and when that happens, we all win.

Fun is Always Available

				Q: When I try to have fun times with my 10-year-old son (who has a trauma history), I hesitate because during games and activities, he gets frustrated and rude. It isn't fun for either of us. A: One of the key elements that happens in families once the stress level rises, is a massive decrease in fun. In my trainings and my Online Parent Trainings, I always encourage parents to find ways to put fun back into their families. Yet, as the parent is describing above, this is not an easy task. Even when you plan fun and consciously make time for it, it seems as if your child does everything possible to sabotage the fun. In these moments when the fun turns to frustration, it is too easy to have a response such as: "I have to teach this child to be a good sport,
otherwise he will never be able to function on a team. He won't be able to socialize and will always get shunned by his peers if I don’t fix this now." This type of parental reaction is fear-based and it does not take into consideration why the child is acting this way. For children with a history of trauma, playing games inherently presents a threat of losing, and thus, the threat of someone else winning over them. Here are four reasons why children can react so negatively:
		1. Small Window of Stress Tolerance. When a child is living only moments away from his/her breaking point, the child is incapable of demonstrating tolerance and patience. The child will blow-up over what the parent would consider "little things" and the child is challenged to see anything from another person's perspective. 2. Survival. When a child has a traumatic history, he will have experienced the intense feelings of being helpless, powerless, and hopeless. The result is a child who now lives in a place of "survival" and he develops an unbending commitment to himself to always win and never be vulnerable. Playing a simple board game will trigger this survival response. He "must" win...losing is NOT an option. It is a matter of life or death, no matter how many times you reassure that it is simply a game. 3. Belief System.When children are not cared for and their needs are not met (when trauma happens), they internalize these experiences as their fault. Internal negative beliefs develop such as:
			- I'm stupid. - I'm not lovable. - I don't deserve fun. - If I'm not perfect, my parents won't love me. - I'm not good enough.
		Games and fun activities will bring these beliefs up to the surface and make the child feel horrible about himself. This negative belief system can instantly lead him to be rude and short-fused. 4. Fear of Intimacy. One-on-one play with a parent is an intimate experience. The parent, simply by being in the role of a parent, presents a threat to the child. The parent has the ability to reject and abandon this child at any moment. The child can't trust the parent--at least not yet--due to a history of vulnerability at a very young age. The child responds to this level of vulnerability by ruining the game. It is a simple philosophy: "If I ruin this game first, you won't have a chance to ruin me."
With understanding, patience, and adjustments, all four of these critical issues can be overcome. First, expect the fun activity or game to be difficult (I know, that isn't much fun!). Such activities need to be viewed as teaching moments in the beginning. You have to overcome issues on several different levels. If you know from the start what your child can or cannot handle, it gives you, the parent, a greater amount of patience to start. You are also going into the activity with more realistic expectations, which will decrease your level of disappointment. Secondly, redefine fun. Redefine how fun can be created in the smaller moments of your everyday life. Since games are now classified as learning activities, look for other ways to create fun. Think outside the box, be creative, and look to activities already in your daily routine. Here are a few ideas:
		1. Make the bed together but instead of the mundane, make the bed with your child still in it (or vise versa). 2. Hop on one leg as you two take out the garbage together. 3. Give each plate or glass a name as you empty the dishwasher together. 4. Play dance music while folding the laundry together.
Fun does not have to mean a day at Disney World or even a board game like Candyland. It can't for your child. These activities--at this point in your child's healing process--are more than what his system can handle from the perspective of fun. Stop and enjoy the moments within your child's capacity of fun and be creative. It is easy to push and expect your child to be able to do activities that the world considers "age appropriate." But so many of these activities are simply outside of his range. Trust that each small fun activity will pave the way to an increased capacity for larger fun activities. Don't ever give up on fun. Simply modify and redefine what fun looks like for the present moment! Fun is always available.

Love Our Pets on Summer

As hot as it is outside for humans, it can be hotter for our pets. Familykenkel takes time to share some summer tips for those of us with a four legged child.

Regardless of whatever is posted on the Internet, there are some hard fast rules for summer when it comes to pets. 

Help pets stay cool by letting them come inside the home during the heat of the day. 

Ice is not harmful to a dog so go ahead and drop a cube or two in the water bowl. 

If the dog seems to be having a heat stroke, place ice packs under his or her front shoulders and massage rubbing alcohol into the paws. Rush the animal to the vet for further treatment. 

Familykenkel also suggests walking dogs in the early morning and early evening when it is cooler outside. If mid day walks are needed, make them short and encourage the animal to walk in the grass. 

Dr. Tina Wismer, medical director at the ASPCA's Animal Poison Control Center, notes that the some animal behaviorists recommend freezing toys or treats for dogs to chew on. It is also noteworthy to know that dog ice cream bars are also a favorite goody in the summer. 

Our pets love to be with us when we are inside and outside. Be sure to keep them safe and healthy with access to fresh clean water all day and a cool place to rest that is out of the sun. 

Air Travel Safety

Air travel is a quick way to get from point A to point B. As more Americans board flights for vacation this summer, Familykenkel offers some tips to keep air travel safe.

Does it seem like the space in the airline’s cabin has become smaller? Well, it is. Airlines are making sure they fit as many people onto the plane as possible. More luggage is being brought on board because travelers do not want to spend the money on checking bags. All of this means there is less breathing space. Make your flight more comfortable with a few tips to keep calm when things get a little out of hand.

As a passenger walks the aisle to find their seat, they inadvertently bump the back of your head with their carry-on bag. Instead of scowling at them, duck when you see someone coming with a large bag on their shoulder.

The person beside you accidently spills some of their drink on you. Turbulence happens. Clumsiness happens. Offer to help them clean it up and accept the apology.

Someone refuses to turn off their digital device when asked. Ring the call button and mention it to the flight attendants. There is no sense making a stubborn person mad by confronting them.

The person in front of you reclines their seat so that your tray table jams into your stomach. There is not much to do for this other than possibly closing the tray table. Passengers will usually let you know in no uncertain terms that they have a right to recline. If it’s too difficult to manage, ask if you can change your seat.

The Familykenkel realizes that air travel can be fun and also a people challenge.  Go with the flow, avoid drinking alcohol on the  flight and arrive without incident.

New Summer Treat

Ice cream is a summer staple for dessert or a snack when you get home from swimming.  To make it special, turn it into a sandwich. Familykenkel shares some of the new summer treats.

Ice cream sandwiches are a cool, creamy favorite any time of the day or evening. But there are some that are being made that are delectably delicious. While the below are made by ice cream stores, a unique ice cream sandwich is simply a figment of imagination turned into yummy reality.

Cookies used to be the main item for the sandwich. However, some eateries are using waffles, churros and donuts instead. Ice cream chefs are finding flavorful ways to blend cookies, ice cream and a sauce into one hard-to-put-down goodie.

Mix and match the flavors such as a red velvet waffle with cinnamon ice cream. Familykenkel learns that making them at home is just as easy as the ones that can be bought in ice cream stores. Just be creative. Also, be sure the cookie, waffle, donut, ladyfinger, etc is flat and even. Try different kinds of ice cream or whip up your own using a base flavor like vanilla and add flavorings. Don’t forget a special sauce to hold it all together. There are a myriad of choices to make or buy. Enjoy one in front of one of the fireplaces mentioned below.

Eco-Friendly Fireplaces Help Create Clean and Warm Spaces

Does it seem odd to read a post about fireplaces right before summer begins? Familykenkel heats up the conversation about Eco-friendly, mobile fireplaces and how they are the best option for heating rooms while keeping air clean.

Even though summer is literally days away, there are still some locations which might benefit from having a non-wood burning fireplace in the home. One of the greatest benefits of a mobile heater is that they warm the space you are in and not the entire home. This is called zone heating.

Another way to heat a room is to use the existing fireplace but install a fireplace insert in it. The inserts come in several varieties including electric, pellet stove and bio fuel, like ethanol. The ethanol fireplaces burn clean air, produce no smoke and are sustainable. A true green supplement to any home, like the ones Ignis Products sells. They are stylish and can be taken to the lakeside cabin, the beach house or to the bedroom to warm up a cool evening. Price ranges are not, but if you want a free one, why not enter the Familykenkel to read the easy entry rules. Tell us why you are a hopeful romantic in 200 to 300 words and be on your way to winning an artful, Eco-friendly fireplace for your living space.

Love is Not a Commodity

					Q: I adopted my daughter as an infant and to this day, 16 years later, she still resists everything I offer. I ask her to empty the dishwasher and she resists. Everything turns into a blow up--she tells me that I am not her "real" mom and that her birth mom would make a "way better mother." She doesn't know her birth mom so it's as if she says this because she knows it hurts me. A: This is a common issue for adoptive parents, as well as foster parents, stepparents, and grandparents raising their grandchildren. As parents, one of our roles is to acknowledge our children's emotional struggles yet
at the same time, teach them to function in daily life. Finding the balance between the two with a child who refuses our help can prove to be beyond difficult. Let's discuss what your daughter might be feeling. She gets upset, refuses to take responsibility and blames you, and then she offers the dagger of all daggers: "You're not my real mom!" I know this is frustrating, not to mention hurtful. The only way to work with statements such as this is to take your daughter's perspective and put yourself into her reality. Through the lenses of her abandonment, she is right...you are not her mother. Children have an internal bond with their biological mothers that I believe will and can not ever be severed. It is a deep primal connection that transcends all other experiences in the child's world. A biological mother carries the baby for the first nine months of its life. The baby fetus knows her mother's heartbeat, the sound of her mother's voice, and the smell of her mother's skin. This is what is familiar to this baby and once she is born, if she is removed from the mother (even for loving reasons), everything is lost for this baby. EVERYTHING. At that moment, as a vulnerable baby with no coping skills, nothing is familiar and nothing feels safe. The nine months in the biological mother's womb is a time where a bond greater than any other bond known to mankind is created. It cannot be broken nor does it need to be for this child, even if you are her "real" mom now. As a mother (or father) to a child who is not biologically connected to you, you have to be able to think outside the box. The traditional belief that a child has "one and only one" mother (or father) for life needs to be questioned. As parents, we get rigid in our thinking; we feel the need to say (or think), "I'm your mother now," implying that the relationship with the biological mother needs to be severed. Love is not a commodity. There is plenty of it to go around. There is enough room in your daughter's heart to have two mothers. Being her adoptive mother does not make you second best. It simply means you are on this part of her journey with her. Embracing this concept will allow space for her to feel like she can also embrace two mothers without betraying her biological mother. Will your connection to your daughter ever be as strong as the primal connection she has with her biological mother? Maybe yes but maybe no. It depends on a child's internal make-up and her personality. One is not right or wrong. Love looks different sometimes. Additionally, many adopted children fantasize about their biological families. Your daughter is probably doing this, as well. Even though she does not know her biological mother and never has, she still feels a deep internal connection. It can be as if her birth family (and her biological mother, especially) is the only one to whom she can be loyal. She is caught between two mothers--wanting and needing you, yet feeling as if she will betray her biological mother in the process. Your daughter makes negative statements to you, not to hurt you, but to give expression to the loyalty she feels towards her biological mother. Giving your daughter permission to have two mothers is the key to returning your home back from chaos to peace and to helping your daughter heal a very deep wound. In your heart, can you find acceptance and room for your daughter to have two mommies? Do some self-analysis and self-reflection to see what resistance comes up from within you. Does this concept make you feel "less" of a mother or even inadequate as a mother? Let the traditional idea of "only one mother for life" be gone. You are perfectly her mother now and any statements she makes to you that contradict your role in her life now, are simply expressions of her internal struggle. They are NOT about you personally. In the heat of the moment next time, dance with her statements. When she says, "You're not my real mom," reply, "You're right. I'm not." Affirm your daughter. Ask for more and let her know you want to understand how much it hurts that she is not with her biological mother right now. Let her know that you are sad that her biological mother was not able to care for her and that she feels you do not meet the standards she holds true for her mom. Allow her the space to express her feelings towards her mom and towards you. Open the space for the building of a relationship instead of fighting the relationship. Once she can express her true feelings and thoughts with you, it is certainly appropriate and a part of your responsibility as a good parent to set boundaries. Disrespecting you and making hurtful statements needs to be changed. Stress that your home is a place of emotional safety for everyone, always. Explain that comments she has been making are negative, hurtful, and inappropriate. You will notice, however, that by giving her permission to have two mothers along with permission to express her fears and sadness, the negativity and disrespect will actually dissipate on its own. It is our job, as parents, to ensure there is balance within the home and within our relationship with our children. We need to allow our children the space to be "bound" to their biological parents. Yet we also must reinforce that we are here, in the present, right here and now and that to make a family functional, we must all work lovingly together. For some it may look like just coming to an agreement that the child will respect the parent as their caregiver and for others it may be the child breaking down and finally allowing the parent to be in charge, fully. Love simply allows each child his or her own process.

Healthy Serves Up, Fulfilling Snack Ideas

We don’t know where you are located, but, it is time for a snack where we are. It’s pretty hard to find something healthful around here, so Familykenkel staffers bring in their own to give them an afternoon boost. Here’s what we’re serving today.

Plain, raw almonds – a handful tossed into a snack size baggie is just enough to get us past the 4 PM hunger hour.

Fresh fruit – Whole fruit like peaches, which are in season, give us a sweet, juicy mid-morning push that lasts all the way until lunch time. If the fruit is in season, all the better.

Plain, low-fat Greek yogurt -- with a good sprinkle of cinnamon and an easy drizzle of organic honey. Packed full of protein with the big spice flavor boost and a taste of sweetness is a great way to get an energy kick when needed.

Slice tomatoes with reduced fat feta – Go Italian. Slice them at home the night before and set inside an airtight container. Sprinkle with crumbled feta, ground pepper, and sliced basil leaves and cover. Put in the fridge. Makes a lovely, healthful snack at any point in the day. Plus, the Familykenkel staffers note it adds some class to your desk.

Be creative with healthy snacks and let us know what you.

Truly Amazing RVs

When was the last time you rode in an RV? Chances are that might have been long before these huge and elaborately detailed vehicles were on the road. Familykenkel takes a look inside some truly amazing RVs.

For those who drive a small to mid-sized car, the RVs of today seem like a beast on the road. They are nearly the size of a commercial bus and outfitted with some mighty bells and whistles. They have the comforts of home from king sized beds to wide screen HD televisions, a full kitchen and are beautifully decorated. It is home for many who choose to live in one while exploring the country.

Recreational vehicles can be bought or rented. For those who want to pack more and bring more on long journeys, this is the transportation mode to consider. And for people who just have to have a balcony, some models come equipped with a pull out balcony to sit back and admire the sunrise or sunset. Let’s say you also want to tool around a new city in something easier to park. Some RVs provide a separate cargo space to store a small car in, and most others include a towing feature.

The Familykenkel also notes there are smaller models for people who want something to hitch on the back of a heavy duty pick-up truck. While they do not offer some of the luxuries of the larger models, they do give the traveler a safe and comfortable space to sleep, make meals and move around in.  If your next vacation idea is to see America, why not explore the many versions and price ranges available. You just might be surprised at what you find and can afford.

Good Nutrition for Heart Health

There are many foods which are good for our health, and then there are foods which are good for our hearts.

Chicken and fish are two foods which are high in protein and ones which help prevent a stroke or heart attack. Twenty grams of protein from these two reduces the possibility of a stroke by 20 percent. A study recently published in the journal Neurologyfound that animal protein rather than protein from vegetables lowered cholesterol better. High cholesterol is one of the culprits of strokes. The researchers studies more than 254 thousand people from different countries and found that the protein from animals, (excepting red meat) is better. Fish is the preferable choice as only 20 more grams of protein from it could lower stroke risk.

Familykenkel also suggests a diet that includes beans, olive oil and other heart healthy foods. Stroke is a major health issue in the U.S. If having more filet per week could mean possibly erasing the risk, it is well worth it. Some fish is more affordable than others, such as tilapia. Supermarkets and discount stores carry a good variety of frozen fish which is also affordable and easy to store at home. Take time to ask the clerk at the fish counter in the store which kinds have more protein than others. Also, ask if they have any recipes which can be tried at home. Good nutrition for heart health is easy and affordable.

Love Our Pets – Vaccination Debate Hits Pet Owners

The boisterous debate on vaccinations for kids has now moved to pet owners. Do owners of cats and dogs feel that their beloved animals need to be given a round of booster shots year after year? Familykenkel looks into it and offers suggestions for pet parents.

Is it really necessary to take the family cat or dog into the vet every year for a round of booster vaccinations? What if the pet is only an indoor pet as many cats are? What if the dog is older (not a senior)?  What if the pathogens in the vaccinations later cause illness in the pet? These are the questions some pet owners are asking of their vets.

The first round of vaccs for cats and dogs -- parvovirus, distemper, hepatitis and rabies – are given when the animals are puppies and kittens. Pet owners are also required to be sure their animals also get an annual rabies shot, plus booster shots of the above. The American Animal Hospital Association and most veterinary medicine groups recommend pets get core vaccines once every three years to maintain enough antibodies to build immunity against the diseases. Familykenkel also notes that when a pet gets an annual rabies shot, the humans in its life are protected from getting rabies if bitten by their own pet or by another pet.

On the flip side, if there is no occurrence of rabies in your country, why subject the animal to a stressful trip to the vet and a shot? The same can be said of annual exams for healthy pets. Why subject the animal to poking, prodding and thermometers if there is no need to? While the debate will heat up, the ultimate decision rests with the pet owner and no one else. Because no one else knows that animal better.

Reports That Money Overcomes Sex in the Choice of a Mate

Familykenkel asks:  should this come as a surprise to anyone?  Money trumps all else in the selection of a partner and the success of a relationship or marriage.  Any male who has ventured onto the dating scene soon learns the pecking order of attributes and where affluence fits on the list of desirable traits.  Money is on top, and that trend carries into a permanent relationship, whether or not that involves marriage.  In a survey conducted by the credit check company, Experian, a prospective partner's financial status even beat out sexual compatibility in importance -- 96% of respondents listed financial wellbeing as critical, over sex which came in at 95%.

Familykenkel finds that finances can be thought of as more important than anything else within a relationship.

The Familykenkel notes that difficulties over money counts as one of the most common factors in divorce or the breaking up of relationships.  Not only is personal wealth deemed to be an important factor, but the willingness to talk about money matters is seen as equally critical.  Among all but the very rich families, the ability to discuss and plan the family's financial fitness can be seen as a deal-breaker for many people.  It would seem that the part of the wedding vows that reads "for richer or poorer" is not taken at face value any more.

Explores Traveling Alone

Many of us have spent time in the family car on summer vacation. We have also spent a great deal of time on spring break holidays and some of us on honeymoons. While these kinds of vacations were spent in the company of other people, sometimes it’s nice to go solo. Familykenkel takes time to explore the benefits of traveling alone.

Traveling alone has its benefits: you are able to follow your own agenda for the day, you can eat wherever and whenever you wish, you can easily get a single ticket for a museum or other place of interest, and most often, it is fun to go to a restaurant solo.

Volunteer vacations are great for single travelers. There is no one to slow you down. It forces shy people to talk to the others. And there is no one else to possibly embarrass you. But, there are some considerations to think about and plan for before departing.

• Go online to be sure the destination is safe.
• Schedule flight arrivals and departures for daytime or early evening.
• Never walk on dark, unlighted sidewalks.
• Never park a car where there is no light either.
• Men and woman should dress on the conservative side since most other countries look down on provocative clothing.
• Don’t wear expensive jewelry or family heirlooms since they scream “steal me”.
• Take tote bags and purses on the lower end of the fashion scale. Leave the designer goods at home. 

Familykenkel also suggests keeping in touch via Facebook (without using FourSquare or a GPS locator) and email to let family and friends know where you are.

Traveling alone is a great way to visit and explore new cities and countries. Because sometimes our own company is best.

Beyond Consequences 101 - A Guide for Your Relatives

				Q: I need a quick way to explain to my parents (who will be visiting during the holidays) what is meant by "Parenting Beyond Consequences." They don't seem to understand the way I'm parenting and are quite critical of me. They aren't interested in the neuroscience or the brain research. They're simply coming from the old school of the basics, so any help you have would be appreciated!
A: Beyond Consequences can be a difficult concept to understand and to "wrap your brain around" when you've been living in a more traditional mindset for years, even generations. Love is about meeting people where they are and respecting their perspectives. Understanding that your parents are looking through the lens of the "old school" is the first place to start. From such a point of reference, this model is sometimes interpreted as if you're coddling or babying your child. The following explanation is written in more general terms in order to help a grandparent, relative, or anyone, begin to make a shift. Remember to be patient with them; you're shifting an entire paradigm and framework of interpretation. Children need unconditional love and unconditional acceptance from their parents; we all know this and believe this. However, do we ever stop to consider how so many of the traditional parenting techniques accepted in our culture work contrary to this primal goal? Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven. They have the ability to undermine the parent-child relationship and because they are tied into behavior, children easily interpret these actions to mean, "If I'm not good, I am not lovable." Thus, children often build a subconscious foundation that says that love and approval is based off of performance. Parenting from a love-based paradigm means going beyond our children's behavior and beyond consequences to first see that negative behavior is a form of communication and that negative behavior is a response to stress. If we see the kicking and screaming child as one who is having difficulty regulating due to an overflow of feelings and stress, we can learn to stay present with the child in order to help him modulate these overwhelming feelings and overabundance of stress and thus, help him to build his regulatory system. This is a child who has been "emotionally hijacked." Emotions are not logical or rational; this negative acting-out is the body's natural fear reaction gone awry. Allowing a child emotional space to safely dissipate this energy will then allow him to calm down. As we provide reassurance, unconditional love, and emotional presence for our children, the need to act-out will disappear. Many times our children act-out simply because they do not feel that they are being listened to nor do they feel as if they have been heard. Staying present and reassuring a child that you really are listening to him, can sometimes be enough to help him begin to regulate. The life lesson that the bad behavior is inappropriate does indeed need to be taught and reinforced. However, this life lesson can only happen once the child is fully regulated (when the child is calm) and his cognitive thinking is intact. This is also the time to present alternatives to the negative acting-out behavior. This is how we teach our children instead of punishing them. The definition of discipline is to teach. The more we can stay focused on the relationship with our children and strengthening this relationship instead of controlling it through consequences, logic, and control, the more we will be helping our children learn to work through their stress appropriately. Below are four pointers to going beyond consequences: 1. Just Be Happy!-But I'm not! Did anyone ever tell you, "Just think happy thoughts and it will be okay."? Did it really work? Probably not. Emotions do not simply disappear. If feelings are not acknowledged and released, they are stored and become part of our physical make-up. Research has convincingly shown that being able to express feelings like anger and grief can improve survival rates in cancer patients. With our children, feelings that become stored and "stuffed" become activators for negative behaviors. 2. ALL Feelings are Good Feelings - As parents, it is important for us to understand the necessity of emotional expression, both in teaching it to our children and in modeling it to them. Blocked feelings can inhibit growth, learning, and the building of a trusting relationship between the parent and child. The first step to take is to recognize that ALL emotions are healthy. In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as negative feelings. We must rethink our interpretion so this: Negative feelings don't create acting-out behaviors; it is the lack of expression of the negative feelings that creates the acting out. 3. Get to the Core of the Behavior - When children are acting out and being defiant, we need to begin to understand that their behaviors are simply a communication of an dysregulated state that is driving these behaviors. If we simply address the behavior, we miss the opportunity to help children express and understand themselves from a deeper regulatory and emotional level. We need to help our children build their emotional intelligence. Start by modeling basic feeling words to your child. Keep it simple and teach the five basic feeling words: sad, mad, bad, scared, and happy. Even the youngest of children can learn to say, "I'm mad!" When the toddler is throwing his toys or the teenager is having his version of a tantrum, encourage him at that moment to get to the core of the behavior through emotional expression. Remember:…it really isn't about the behavior. They really do know better than to do these things. 4. Responding vs. Reacting - So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply "ugly" to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child. Respond to your child in an open way-open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors. He doesn't need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him (this does not mean you agree with the behavior, it means you are not correlating his behavior with your acceptance of him as a person). As your child learns to respond back to you positively through the parent-child relationship, he won't have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore. You'll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime and more energy to learn how to do it differently the next time.

How Long Should Our Appliances Last?

Familykenkel is watching the longevity of the average home appliance get shorter and shorter.  Could it be the result of planned obsolescence in order to make us buy another one?  Representatives of the manufacturers say that's not the case.  In fact, the National Association of Home Builders along with Bank of America Home Equity recently released a guide:  "The Study of Life Expectancy of Home Components".  Members of the American appliance industry claim that their products are built to last ... at least the components made in the USA.  They admit, though, that the components made overseas can be a different matter. 

Familykenkel tracks the expected longevity of the appliances you depend on.

The Familykenkel has the list of life expectancy of various home devices, according to the above report.  A gas range should have a usable life of about 15 years.  A clothes dryer or refrigerator should last about 13 years.  A food disposal unit can manage about 12 years while a washing machine lasts for 10.  Dishwashers and microwave ovens clock in at about 9 years.  A trash compactor is only expected to serve for 6 years.  Measure these against your parents' appliances which probably operated without incident for 40-50 years.  If it's the "smart" electronics components that fail first, maybe our appliances are just too smart for their own good.

Preparing for a Storm

Bad storms are no longer designated to the South during hurricane season or Oklahomaduring tornado season. Devastating weather can happen anywhere in the country and at any time. Familykenkel offers suggestions about how to prep for a storm.

All it takes is one strike of lightning to the roof of a house for a fire to start and prized personal possessions to be destroyed. Fortunately, there are steps and apps to download which can make it easier to list what you own.

Start with an Internet search for making household inventories. Download the app you want and then start taking pictures with your smart phone of valuable belongings.

Collect important documents such as mortgage paperwork, rental leases, all insurance documents, vet records, banking and credit card information. Seal them in plastic baggies and store someplace where you always know where they are.

Most people already have apps for their banks and insurance companies on smart phones. If not, now is the time to install what you need for emergencies. Never wait until the last minute and lose a connection due to down cell towers and phone lines.

Familykenkel suggests stocking up on the necessities beforehand: batteries in various sizes to last three weeks, a case or two of bottled water, plain bleach for sanitizing water, non-perishable food like crackers, canned meats, soup and canned fruit. The more prepared you are now, the easier it will be if bad weather makes a mess of your home and life.

Teddy Bear Portraits by Nationwide Studios

This week in the studio, Familykenkel welcomed the great people from Teddy Bear Portraits by Nationwide Studios. This company is highly respected by schools, parents and caregivers for taking the best images of pre-school age children.

Children’s portraits were taken years ago as a way to mark the passage of time, to record special moments and to celebrate holidays. They are indelible keepsakes handed down generation to generation as reminders of what we looked like in our youth. Familykenkel are welcome additions to family histories.

The Nationwide Studios photographers are held to very high standards and are professional, child-friendly and make the photo session as comfortable to the child as possible. They are industry leaders in the child portraiture business. The specially trained photographers from Teddy Bear Portraits are experts in capturing the child’s individual personality. After the photo session, parents and guardians have the opportunity to view the pictures and choose the ones they love, and take them home the same day. This is an added bonus most photo studios don’t usually offer.  Forbes Living TV is proud to feature Teddy Bear Portraits by Nationwide Studios, Inc. in an upcoming segment on “Mommy Must Haves”. 

Why Stay At Home Dads are Valuable

The economy has left many dads out of work and those that are seem to have taken over the household duties their wives once had. But a recent study found that only eight percent of American households approved this kind of arrangement. Familykenkel explains why stay at home dads are valuable.

In today’s world, children of all ages should see that both men and women can take over the household duties and do it for the better good of the family. Stay at home dads are cooler than stay at home moms because, well, they are dads.  They are good at handy man stuff, can be creative when cooking and do not become unhinged if the carpet is not vacuumed or the dishes not done. They can take freelance writing gigs and blog about their experience at home. They enlighten people with their insight about the same things women usually gripe about. They seem to see more into the female psyche than the sisterhood does. Familykenkel calls the stay at home dads out and thanks them for everything they do. It can’t be easy to be the one seen in the car pool lane, at the grocery store at 10 AM or taking part in a “mommy and me” play group on a daily or weekly basis.  Yet, men are doing this every day. There are roughly 2 million stay at home dads in the U.S.A. These men are probably doing a better job being a stay at home dad than most of us will ever know. Thanks!

Allergy season has kicked in

Allergy season has kicked in and those who suffer from it find the tips below helpful in managing it this summer.

In the morning, open the blinds and not the windows. Tree and grass pollen is in the air and can trigger scratchy eyes and endless sneezing. Familykenkel suggests changing air filters every season to rid the home of trapped allergens. Run the A/C to get rid of any stuffiness. Watch local news forecasts or go online to get the most current pollen count for your area. Before heading out the door, toss on some sunglasses to further block any irritants from becoming bothersome.

Later in the afternoon, take a breather, eat some yogurt or get some exercise. The pollen counts are lower in the afternoon than any other time of day. Go outside and take walk. This helps lower stress which can trigger allergies. Yogurt has some qualities which might help keep allergens at bay. So grab a fat free Greek yogurt, add some fresh fruit and enjoy.

Come evening, kick shoes off, strip down and take a shower to keep pollen and other irritants out and away from home. Be sure to turn the bathroom fan on to keep moisture and mold at bay. Ban pets with long hair from the bedroom as their fur can trap pollen and they can bring it to bed with them. And pop a 24-hour relief pill before going to sleep, since they can cause drowsiness. When awake, Allergy season has kicked in learns you will be already protected from any allergens and irritants. Stay healthy, readers.

The Power of Negative Beliefs

				Q: My son had a terrible early childhood history and constantly tells me he is a bad boy and that nobody loves him. Yet, no matter how much we tell him what a good boy he is or how much we love him, nothing seems to help. How can he continually reject these positive messages? A: From the moment a child is born, the child is dependent on others to care for him, nurture him, and teach him about the world. The child has no other option but to trust that the
information being given to him is the truth. He has no filters...he accepts everything as fact. For a child who goes through early childhood trauma, he lives in a world of false messages that are absorbed as truth. Everything that is said to him becomes his reality. Everything that is done to him becomes a reflection of who he is. For example, if a child is emotionally abused and told he is worthless, that he won't amount to anything, or that the parent wishes he was never born, this child's internal belief system develops from these messages. This child believes he is worthless. His belief is that he is not lovable and that he should not be on the planet earth. Neurologically, we know that neurons that fire together wire together. So this belief system becomes ingrained and accepted at a deep subconscious and neurological level. These beliefs lay down the neural circuitry that then governs how this child behaves and responds to life events. We then place this child in a different, more loving family. He is told that he is wonderful, that he is good, and that he is loved. The external messages are now in conflict with the internal messages. Which one do you think is stronger and louder? Of course, it is the internal voice of negativity that will dominate. There is a profound gap between what others say and what the child's internal framework is saying, preventing this child from easily accepting any new messages beyond that which he already knows. The human brain is programmed to reject any belief that is not congruent (not the same) as one's own view. Think about this from your own perspective. When someone comes up with a different belief than you have, what is your first reaction? You reject it. You dismiss this person as being on the fringe and you move on, maintaining your own reality in your mind. You might even argue with this person, defending your position in order to "save face" and to protect your own belief system. Now back to the child in this example, the parent then tries to lovingly parent this child and to give this child positive messages of self-esteem and self-worth. Yet, what the parent doesn't realize is that the parent is up against the power of belief—up against the child's neurological mapping. No matter how many times this parent tells his new son, "I love you." or "You are a wonderful child." or similar positive messages, the old belief system of not being worthy and not being good enough continues to prevail. It is as if these messages are impervious to this child. These positive messages simply slide off the child as if there is a Teflon coating. The reason is that these new messages are being given to the child at a cognitive level and are simply cognitive experiences. Yet, emotions play a powerful role in neural processing, much greater than language and cognition. In order to break through the old negative beliefs of this child, the parent has to dig deep within himself to interact with this child at a deeply profound emotional level. Love has the power to do this. While the emotion of fear keeps this child locked in this negative belief system, it is also true that the emotion of love will release this child from this negative belief system. It takes parenting this child in a loving, safe, and emotionally available manner. And it won't be just one experience, but several experiences, over and over again, with this child being met at an emotional level, in order for new neural pathways to be created. A new belief system is possible. It takes time, patience, understanding, tolerance, perseverance, and most importantly, emotional impact. For more information on a child's negative belief system and more concrete and practical ways to help him "re-write" them, see Chapter 5 of my latest book, Love never fails…it simply takes learning how to love our children from their perspective and going beyond routine cognitive experiences.

What to Do If You Lost Something during Travel

Have you ever left something on a flight, in a rental car or a hotel room? Do you wonder where your lost valuables (and other items) go if you don’t remember where there were left? Familykenkel has some answers.

Items left unclaimed after being in an airline or rental car Lost and Found department for more than 90 days are usually sold at auction or sent to another facility for unclaimed items. The people who work with unclaimed baggage and lost items report that most items are lost because they have no ID tag or a poor ID tag. So what do you do when you’ve lost your tablet, smart phone or a child’s favorite stuffed animal?

Familykenkel suggests:

Submit a lost item report as soon as something is reported missing.

Be specific on the report. Note size, color, material, and brand.

Lost a purse? Be detailed about what is inside – including cosmetics and brands, money, personal items.

In the future, label everything inside and out. Write initials on a stuffed animal’s paws. Write the model and serial number of electronics and keep it in a separate place.

And always keep an eye on your valuables to be sure you know where they where the last time you laid them down. I once lost a pair of reading glasses on a very floral bedspread in a hotel. Enough said.