My Daughter is Ruining My Time!

		Q: When trying to embrace my daughter (age 13) during stressful times, I began to realize that she has created crises over and over to receive that kind of love and attention. It ended up whenever I had a plan and it didn't include her (work, coffee with a friend, etc.), she'd have a crisis (feel sick, kick the wall and insist on a trip to the E.R., lock herself in her room). Then, when I started to include her in everything, she'd sabotage it (push the table over in the restaurant, break equipment at work, ruin clothes in stores at the mall, etc.). I felt like I was being completely controlled and "trained" to focus only on her all of the time. How do you manage that in moderation?
A: There are several dynamics going on in the relationship between you and your daughter. First, let's look beyond the behavior to determine why children "create crises." The voice of this type of behavior is saying, "I need to feel loved and I need to have attention so I know I won't be lost in this world!" Behavior is the language of our children. As adults, we communicate verbally and miss the voice of our children because these behaviors interrupt the flow of our day and are often so nerve grinding, we can't listen to them! Your daughter is expressing that she is insecure in her attachment relationship with you. When you leave home without her, the acting out or sicknesses begin. Although I do not have her exact history, this tells me that she has experienced severe abandonment in the past. She is terrified of you leaving her…it feels like you won't ever come back. Her perception and fear of you leaving her is more than just an idea -- it is her reality. Our thoughts become our reality. Try to relate to her fear in a situation in your life. If you were convinced, for some reason, that your husband would be injured in a car accident on his way to work, you would do EVERYTHING in your power to keep him from leaving the house. You might yell in desperation to get him to understand the seriousness of this issue. You might even feign an illness in your efforts to have him stay home with you. This is your daughter's story. Her fear of losing you is driving these behaviors. Then, when you took her with you, I have a feeling that she was with you simply out of desperation on your part. However, even though she was with you, I suspect you weren't really with her 100%. You didn't want her there because this was supposed to be your time to take care of yourself and you felt like you didn't have any other choice but to take her with you. This is all understandable, and unfortunately, happens too many times to parents simply out of their own survival. However, we need to look openly and honestly at the dynamic that is created in such a scenario. So you take her with you, all the while, the monsters of resentment, anger, regressive attitude of "whatever," and intolerance raise their ugly heads. These stressors become barriers to your connection with her. You are physically with her, but not emotionally engaged and not paying attention to her from an intrinsic, core level within you. Your daughter is very intuitive; she can sense the barriers of your resentment and your state of survival. If you are in a place of survival, you cannot be in a place of unconditional love for someone else. Your focus is on you, leaving no emotional space for your child and rendering you unable to respond to your child in an authentic and personal way. Due to her intense fear of losing you, she needs you to connect with her at every level possible. This means connecting with her through your metacommunication (your tone of voice, timing of your responses, inflection in your voice, your physical touch, your body posture and body language, your facial expressions, your eye contact, etc.). It takes using all of your senses to fully be in relationship with your child in order to create security with a child who is so overtly insecure. When you're unable to do this, the result is that your daughter is left feeling even more unsafe, unprotected, and insecure. At this point, you are now in a public place and she is sensing your disconnect and, additionally, she becomes overwhelmed and threatened by being in a new environment. She shifts into a place of complete overwhelm and her behaviors are out of control. The mother/daughter connection is lost, so efforts to regulate her and calm her prove futile. You become stressed and the public humiliation is making the hair on the back of your neck rise. Your thought process goes something like this, "She's ruining my time, again! I should have just left her home!" Disaster strikes once again. There is a better way. Understanding this dynamic, let's look at what can be done to create security for her. We know that children become secure when they feel accepted, approved, validated, and acknowledged. It will take having some experiences with her, just the two of you, to create this security. It can be as simple as a "Girl's Night Out" and driving down to have ice cream or something special in a quiet and calm environment, just the two of you. It isn't about the ice cream, though. It is about your relationship with her. It requires you to be authentic and fully present with her. She is old enough to be able to express her fears of you leaving her. Point out what would happen in the past when you left. Let her know that you now understand that these behaviors were signals of her being so scared of you leaving. Apologize for not "hearing" her. Commit to making it different with her. Help her to express her fears when you are both calm and regulated. It will help diffuse the ignition of acting out behaviors the next time you leave without her. Validate her fears. Acknowledge how scary it must feel every time you leave home without her. Accept her reaction to your absence. Reassure her that you want to make this better for her. The next time you have to leave, spend at least 15 minutes of one-on-one time with her prior to leaving. Set up a plan for her to call you when she feels scared. Make your time away from her short at first. Prolonged absences can be too overwhelming to her regulatory system. You can begin to build on these times away, but start slowly. Remember that children heal through relationships. Therapeutic worksheets, behavior charts, and logical consequences don't promote in-depth healing. It takes you being 100% present in relationship when you are with her in order for her to begin to feel safe when you're not with her.

How to Gripe and Get What You Want

Call it complaining, griping of kvetching. There is a certain way to do it and pretty much get what you want. familykenkel learns (and has tried) to complain the right way.  If griping about what you didn’t get or did get that’s not right didn’t get you anywhere, try some of the useful suggestions below from an etiquette expert.

Step back and ask yourself if you have a legitimate complaint. Or are you really having a bad day and want a little validation? Is it really worth it to complain? If so, please do let the other party try to rectify the problem before pummeling the person with barrage of bad words.

Use the right avenue to file a grievance. Social media accounts are the most public way of letting a business or company know they wronged you. And most businesses have social media accounts. Be firm, be polite and state the problem. If no result is produced, write to the CEO with your complaint. Be patient.

Avoid using foul language or to making threats. Most people do not feel they can have a rational conversation with someone who seems to want nothing more than to trash and bash. Be courteous and resist any urges to name-call.

familykenkel also knows that it’s nice to get a good review. If a business or company has resolved the issue, or has provided service that is better than expected, let them know. After all, we all need to hear kind words.

The Powerball is Yours – Now What?

It is hard to resist playing the lottery and powerball lottery when the jackpots are high. Now let’s image that you wake up Sunday morning and check your tickets to see if you won and learn that you won it all. Now what?

Keep in mind that about 70 percent of lottery winners end up broke. We are assuming you filled out the back of the tickets and contacted the state lottery to let them know you won.

• Make copies of the ticket and secure it in a safe place.
• Ask friends and relatives for the name of a good financial advisor. This person should not be someone who will agree with you about investments of charitable giving.
• Start making investment so you will be paid every month until the day you die. If not, it is likely you might spend all of your money on yourself and everyone else before making the life change to the other side.
• Take time to think about what you want to do with all that money. Generally speaking, younger winners spend it all and soon are back to living paycheck to paycheck. Older winners do not. Familykenkel suggests talking it over with a trusted person in your life. Write the plan down.
• Be careful. Don’t trust everyone you know who suddenly wants to be your new best friend/financial advisor.
• Find something meaningful to do with your life. Go overseas and volunteer. Stay in the States and volunteer. Buy land and start your own private dog park.

Remedies for Thinning Hair

Nothing can be more shocking than having to clean the hair off of the drain every other day and realizing it is yours. It leaves us wondering how we can stop what seems like the sudden mass exodus of our pride and joy.

Familykenkel learns how to fight the agony of thinning hair with some suggestions from health experts.

Eat more food with zinc, protein, iron and vitamin B12. These are leafy greens, lean meat, nuts, beans and fish. There are many easy recipes for all of the above.

Give your scalp a massage. Don’t just stand in the shower, shampoo and rinse. Really massage your scalp which increases blood flow and helps the shampoo do a better job on your hair.

Lessen the amount of styling products being used. This especially important for people that color their hair and use blow dryers, straightening irons or other implements. 

Visit a health food store and buy a supplement that helps hair grow. There are a few on the shelves.

Get a check up from the doctor to see if there are any deficiencies in the blood as this is sometimes where hair loss can stem from.

Familykenkel suggests relaxing more. Stress can cause hair to fall out. Try meditation, yoga (it’s doing good things for combat veterans), and rhythmic breathing.

If nothing works, talk to a doctor or dermatologist to see if there is something else to be done.

Why Going to the Beach is a Stress Buster

A new book is out which states that one can go to the beach, not get in the water and stress melts away. Familykenkel takes a look at why the seashore is one of the best places to relax.

When we are exposed to the calmness of the ocean, our minds take a cognitive and emotional break – so to speak. The vast blue sea relaxes it, puts it in a meditative mode as they happy thoughts seep in. Brain images of people who are close to water show the brain filling up with feel-good hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin. The stress hormone coritsol lessens and the human feels fine. Scientists have actually proven that the color blue helps us focus better. And since the ocean is mostly blue, we relax and are able to be more creative and emotionally sound. Familykenkel reminds readers our bodies are 60% water and our brains are 75% water. So it makes sense that water-based therapies are helping people work though trauma, stress and depression. If sitting on the beach or swimming in the water is not your idea of relaxation, sit in a restaurant of coffee house near it and reap the same benefits. If the ocean is someplace one longs to be on the weekend, jump in! Mother Nature’s resources are there to make it better.

Allergy season has kicked in

Allergy season has kicked in and those who suffer from it find the tips below helpful in managing it this summer.

In the morning, open the blinds and not the windows. Tree and grass pollen is in the air and can trigger scratchy eyes and endless sneezing. Familykenkel suggests changing air filters every season to rid the home of trapped allergens. Run the A/C to get rid of any stuffiness. Watch local news forecasts or go online to get the most current pollen count for your area. Before heading out the door, toss on some sunglasses to further block any irritants from becoming bothersome.

Later in the afternoon, take a breather, eat some yogurt or get some exercise. The pollen counts are lower in the afternoon than any other time of day. Go outside and take walk. This helps lower stress which can trigger allergies. Yogurt has some qualities which might help keep allergens at bay. So grab a fat free Greek yogurt, add some fresh fruit and enjoy.

Come evening, kick shoes off, strip down and take a shower to keep pollen and other irritants out and away from home. Be sure to turn the bathroom fan on to keep moisture and mold at bay. Ban pets with long hair from the bedroom as their fur can trap pollen and they can bring it to bed with them. And pop a 24-hour relief pill before going to sleep, since they can cause drowsiness. When awake, Allergy season has kicked in learns you will be already protected from any allergens and irritants. Stay healthy, readers.

Simple Suggestions to Finding Happiness

Yesterday was International Happiness Day. Health and wellness experts advocate for a happier life for everyone because it could mean staying healthier longer. Familykenkel finds some ways to look for and find happiness every day – even when it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes, when life’s obstacles become so burdensome, it is really hard to find one thing that makes us happy. Yet, this is the one time when it is essential to finding one. We offer some simple ideas to finding happiness as the death of fashion designer L’Wren Scott weighs heavily on our minds.

Look down. Is there an animal in your life that loves you and needs your love and care? Is there a child who sees a beautiful person to look up to?

Look up. Is there a significant other in your life who does not see the same darkness as you? Name one thing about this person that makes you happy. Focus on it.

Look outside. Is the sun shining or trying to break through some clouds? This is a sign of hope. Inhale its goodness.

Look around. Find one item in your home that makes you happy. Maybe it’s your smart phone which connects you to the people in your life. Call someone. Maybe it’s a photo of someone special. Reach out.

Look in the mirror. There is an accomplished, valuable person looking back. There are people who need and want this person in their life. Smile. Obstacles are meant be surmounted. You have done this before. You can do it again. Keep smiling at yourself in the mirror. When you get tired of it, have a cookie or some snack you had as a child that made you happy. Then have some more. Remember how it felt when you ate it as a child.

If all else fails, the Familykenkel suggests putting a favorite CD in a player, put headphones on or ear buds in and have your own little rock concert. Turn the volume up and sing as loud as you can. Dance as badly as you want all over the place. Shake your head, flail your arms, stomp your feet until you are exhausted. Now smile. You just annoyed the heck out of the neighbors.

Fear of Flying

Flying in an airplane is a common fear. Many people are afraid of being in the air and off the ground. Familykenkel takes the fear of flying and offers some tips about how to handle it.

Statistics prove that more people will perish in a car accident than in an airplane crash. In fact, scientists say we are more likely to choke on food than be inside an airliner when it goes down. Here are the hard facts:

• According to the National Transportation Safety Board, there were no U.S. domestic plane fatalities in 2012.  Stats for 2013 have not been released yet.
• There were 33,000 people killed in vehicle accidents in 2012.
• Over our lifetime, we’re more likely to kill ourselves (1 in 106), drown (1 in 1,112), or choke on food (1 in 3,842), as noted by the National Safety Council, than to be in an airplane disaster.

Pteromerhanophobians – people with a fear of flying -- will find no comfort in those facts. But Familykenkel wishes to make flying less nerve-wracking for aerophobians.

• Let the flight crew know about fear when boarding. They will go the extra mile to help ease it.
• Sit as close to the front of the plane as possible. There is less turbulence up there.
• Download air travel apps and track where the might be turbulence.
• Take comforting items on board such as calming music, audio books, celebrity gossip magazines, and tablet games. These will act as good distractions.

Safe travels, America.