Back to School Success

Q: My son is an angel at school but a terror at home. He was even student of the month last school year. But when he gets home, our home is absolute chaos and he is just nasty to me.

A: Many children work to be 'normal' all day long at school so when they get home, they are exhausted. The result is they collapse into negative behaviors. When they are stressed at school, they hold it together all day long and then in their 'unwinding' of the day, they become "terrors."

Due to early experiences of trauma, children can become sensitive to environmental stressors. Their regulatory systems have been compromised and they have difficulty remaining calm and behaved when faced with the challenges of a school setting.

Additionally, children become fragmented and split between home and school. Many parents report that they literally have two different children in these two different environments. This fragmentation is not healthy to the child's overall development of the self so it is important that this be addressed effectively for the child. 

When we look at the dynamic of the school setting, consider the energy it takes for your child to maintain appropriate behaviors at school is far greater than the average student. He may look well put together externally, but internally, he is running at high speed to ensure he becomes the perfect student. Thus, when he gets home, it is as if he has run a marathon; he is exhausted, unable to hold it together anymore. 

In order to create more balance for your child, consider ways to reduce some of the major stressors he experiences at school:

Social stress - Peer interactions are exceptionally stressful, especially for children who function at a lower emotional level than their peers. Some children may need less social time and more time-in with a regulated adult at the school. 

Transitioning from one activity to another - Transitions such as going from the playground to the classroom, from art to P.E., and from the cafeteria to the classroom, are difficult for many children. Many of the traumatic experiences of children happened around transition, so they are going to be sensitive in this area and may need additional support. 

After school care - Staying at school for an additional hour or two is stressful after a full day of school. Children just need to go home after school. After-school care is typically less structured and less predictable, which is a horrible combination for a child who is already stressed out by this time of the day. 

Teachers - The type of teacher your child has can determine the entire outcome of the child's school year, both positively and negatively. A calm, regulated teacher, who has control of the classroom, well-established boundaries, and reasonable expectations for your child will help your child maintain his own level of regulation during the school day. 

Riding the school bus - If your child is sensitive to loud environments and chaotic social situations, the school bus is not an option. He needs you to take him to school and pick him up from school. Helping your child transition from home to school through a peaceful car ride can set your child up for a successful day. Remember that the number one responsibility you have as a parent is to drop your child off at school as regulated and calm as possible. This gives him at least a fighting chance and a larger window of stress tolerance as he faces a stressful day. 

Stress-inducing requirements - Alternatives that reduce stress instead of increase stress need to be explored and established for your child either through a 504 Plan or an IEP (Individualized Educational Program). Many times it is the small things that can make a huge impact. For example, timed testing can completely throw a child into a stress reaction, impacting your child’s ability to think clearly, and should be avoided. 

Also, just the thought of coming home and doing homework for many children creates a stress reaction. Some families have been able to write into the child's IEP that homework will not be required because it creates too much chaos in the home.

Another major point to consider is that your child's relationships at school are very different from his relationships at home. School relationships are indiscriminate. They don't require close connection, thus they are safer. Close relationships, like parent-child relationships, require intimacy which requires vulnerability. For children with traumatic histories, their trauma happened in the context of close relationships. This sets your child up to be in fear of connection of you, not with the milkman or of teachers, but of you, the person closest to him. 

As you are able to parent within a love-based framework, you are establishing an environment that decreases the threat of this relationship. If you need more examples of how to parent in a loving way while still maintaining rules and boundaries in your home, see my Q&A book, "Dare to Love." Real examples of how to apply the Beyond Consequences principles are given throughout the entire book.         

I also encourage you, as the parent, to check in with yourself. Determine how you are feeling and what messages are swirling around in your mind. It's easy to get into a framework that says to your child, "If you can behave for your teacher at school, then my gosh, I'm your parent...you can certainly behave for me!" 

It's very easy to take it personally and to interpret your child's negative behavior as an attack on you. As a parent, you are working so hard as to help your child, to heal them, and to love him/her. Yet, the reality is that they don't know what to do with the stress from school and they are still living in fear of connection with you. The struggle is not with you; it is with themselves. Continue to go beyond the obvious and reach to the core of the issue---fear and stress. 

Dinnertime Tantrums

				Q: My four-year-old sits down to dinner and says, "I don't like that." He either won't eat at all or won't eat his vegetables. He then gets annoyed, trying to leave the table, whining and refusing to eat. This happens five out of seven nights. How do I respond without consequences?
A: Meal times are clearly a stressful time for not only your child, but for you as well. I'm certain that for you at this point, even the thought of dinnertime creates a stress reaction in you. Create new experiences around food for you and your child (and your entire family). Have your child sit in your lap to eat. Feed him as you would feed a young toddler. Emotionally your child is probably much younger than four years old. Expecting him to be able to sit down at the table during mealtime is probably well beyond his developmental capabilities. You might even consider feeding him from a bottle during mealtimes. He may need you to allow him to regress all the way back to infancy in order to create a fresh start. Children with trauma around food missed some critical experiences that we need to recreate for them. It will give him a stronger foundation from which to grow and reach his full potential. Recognize that his behavior is being driven from fear and that it isn't about him rejecting your efforts as a mother to feed him and nurture him. When he says, "I don't like that!" what he is really saying is, "I'm too stressed out to eat this food right now!" We also need to recognize that we shouldn't eat when we are stressed anyway. Our bodies can't digest the food properly and it can become toxic in our bodies. More importantly, forcing children to eat during this time or giving consequences around food only creates negative food related issues as adults. The refusal to eat vegetables has a direct link to being stressed out. As a human species, we gravitate towards sweets, salts, and fats when we are stressed. What is your regulatory food? Chocolate or broccoli? When we are stressed, we have a difficult time eating vegetables. Think about the last time you were physically sick (where your body was stressed due to illness). Even the thought of eating a salad was enough to make you nauseous. Try feeding your child outside of mealtimes. Small snacks of carrots and celery during the day can provide nutricious intake for your child. Children are more apt to "graze" than they are to sit and eat an entire meal. While dinnertime is an important time for the entire family to come together, realize that expecting your four-year-old to be engaged at this point in his development is only creating a negative experience for everyone. As you gain a deeper understanding of the stress driving your child's behavior, you will find more solutions that work for your family. Stay focused on your child's needs and "listen" to his behavior and there you will find the answers. Keep focused on calming your child's environment around mealtime. This will in turn help your son settle his nervous system which will naturally bring back his appetite and desire to eat. -------------------------------------------------- Q: In many of your articles, you mention that the parent should calm a child down by creating security for the child. I understand that much of a child's stress and fear comes from the threat of being moved to another home. Yet as a foster mom, I can never honestly say, "You are safe. You aren't going anywhere." A: You're absolutely right. You would never want to say this to a foster child because the reality is that they probably would be moving on to another home in the future. Congratulations for being sensitive to giving your child only the truth! What you have working for you is the present moment. The only moment we have guaranteed to us is the moment we are in. Capture this moment with your child. Say to her, "You are safe, honey. You are right here with me now." You can give security and nurturing at that moment. Help your child learn how to stay present with you in this precious space in time. I recently had a foster mother relate a story to me that will help you understand the power of even short term loving relationships. This foster mother had a teenage foster child in her home for a period of only one month. Eight years later, after the child had aged out of the system and was on her own as an adult, she and the foster mother reconnected. The former foster child told this foster mother that the turning point in her life was when she was at her home. The love, safety, security, and acceptance that she was given by this foster mother changed her life and gave this former foster child the ability to move forward. She relayed how this placement, only one month in length, was the best placement she had EVER had. You are an important part of your foster child's journey. Never underestimate the importance of your time with her, whether it is short or long term, and your ability to create safety and security in each moment, despite an uncertain future.

Love is Not a Commodity

					Q: I adopted my daughter as an infant and to this day, 16 years later, she still resists everything I offer. I ask her to empty the dishwasher and she resists. Everything turns into a blow up--she tells me that I am not her "real" mom and that her birth mom would make a "way better mother." She doesn't know her birth mom so it's as if she says this because she knows it hurts me. A: This is a common issue for adoptive parents, as well as foster parents, stepparents, and grandparents raising their grandchildren. As parents, one of our roles is to acknowledge our children's emotional struggles yet
at the same time, teach them to function in daily life. Finding the balance between the two with a child who refuses our help can prove to be beyond difficult. Let's discuss what your daughter might be feeling. She gets upset, refuses to take responsibility and blames you, and then she offers the dagger of all daggers: "You're not my real mom!" I know this is frustrating, not to mention hurtful. The only way to work with statements such as this is to take your daughter's perspective and put yourself into her reality. Through the lenses of her abandonment, she is right...you are not her mother. Children have an internal bond with their biological mothers that I believe will and can not ever be severed. It is a deep primal connection that transcends all other experiences in the child's world. A biological mother carries the baby for the first nine months of its life. The baby fetus knows her mother's heartbeat, the sound of her mother's voice, and the smell of her mother's skin. This is what is familiar to this baby and once she is born, if she is removed from the mother (even for loving reasons), everything is lost for this baby. EVERYTHING. At that moment, as a vulnerable baby with no coping skills, nothing is familiar and nothing feels safe. The nine months in the biological mother's womb is a time where a bond greater than any other bond known to mankind is created. It cannot be broken nor does it need to be for this child, even if you are her "real" mom now. As a mother (or father) to a child who is not biologically connected to you, you have to be able to think outside the box. The traditional belief that a child has "one and only one" mother (or father) for life needs to be questioned. As parents, we get rigid in our thinking; we feel the need to say (or think), "I'm your mother now," implying that the relationship with the biological mother needs to be severed. Love is not a commodity. There is plenty of it to go around. There is enough room in your daughter's heart to have two mothers. Being her adoptive mother does not make you second best. It simply means you are on this part of her journey with her. Embracing this concept will allow space for her to feel like she can also embrace two mothers without betraying her biological mother. Will your connection to your daughter ever be as strong as the primal connection she has with her biological mother? Maybe yes but maybe no. It depends on a child's internal make-up and her personality. One is not right or wrong. Love looks different sometimes. Additionally, many adopted children fantasize about their biological families. Your daughter is probably doing this, as well. Even though she does not know her biological mother and never has, she still feels a deep internal connection. It can be as if her birth family (and her biological mother, especially) is the only one to whom she can be loyal. She is caught between two mothers--wanting and needing you, yet feeling as if she will betray her biological mother in the process. Your daughter makes negative statements to you, not to hurt you, but to give expression to the loyalty she feels towards her biological mother. Giving your daughter permission to have two mothers is the key to returning your home back from chaos to peace and to helping your daughter heal a very deep wound. In your heart, can you find acceptance and room for your daughter to have two mommies? Do some self-analysis and self-reflection to see what resistance comes up from within you. Does this concept make you feel "less" of a mother or even inadequate as a mother? Let the traditional idea of "only one mother for life" be gone. You are perfectly her mother now and any statements she makes to you that contradict your role in her life now, are simply expressions of her internal struggle. They are NOT about you personally. In the heat of the moment next time, dance with her statements. When she says, "You're not my real mom," reply, "You're right. I'm not." Affirm your daughter. Ask for more and let her know you want to understand how much it hurts that she is not with her biological mother right now. Let her know that you are sad that her biological mother was not able to care for her and that she feels you do not meet the standards she holds true for her mom. Allow her the space to express her feelings towards her mom and towards you. Open the space for the building of a relationship instead of fighting the relationship. Once she can express her true feelings and thoughts with you, it is certainly appropriate and a part of your responsibility as a good parent to set boundaries. Disrespecting you and making hurtful statements needs to be changed. Stress that your home is a place of emotional safety for everyone, always. Explain that comments she has been making are negative, hurtful, and inappropriate. You will notice, however, that by giving her permission to have two mothers along with permission to express her fears and sadness, the negativity and disrespect will actually dissipate on its own. It is our job, as parents, to ensure there is balance within the home and within our relationship with our children. We need to allow our children the space to be "bound" to their biological parents. Yet we also must reinforce that we are here, in the present, right here and now and that to make a family functional, we must all work lovingly together. For some it may look like just coming to an agreement that the child will respect the parent as their caregiver and for others it may be the child breaking down and finally allowing the parent to be in charge, fully. Love simply allows each child his or her own process.