Celebrate and Stop the Crazy Loop

					Q: I have a 15-year-old son who has established a pattern of running away. I've been advised to call the police when this occurs. What do you suggest? A: Running away is indicative of a child who has entered a fear state. When we, and all animals in the animal kingdom become threatened, we go into a primitive response called the "Fight or Flight" response. It is an inborn genetic response, which helps to protect us; it is a survival response.
With this understanding, it perplexes me to think that calling the police on a child in this survival response pattern would ever be recommended. Why would you call out the police to address a child who is simply acting from his body's primitive, automatic, and inborn response? Your child is acting from an unconscious level. It isn't a conscious response; it is an unconscious reaction. Addressing it from an authoritarian and fear based approach will only keep your child in this pattern; hence, you described it as an "established pattern." We have somehow come to believe that we can force change by provoking fear and threat. This is completely unnatural. Have you ever seen nature force a seedling to grow? This is a choice that has to come from an internal place from within a person. To give such advice about sending the police is an example of doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result (this of course, is the definition of insanity). Statistics reveal that more than one in 100 adults in the United States have been in jail or prison. This is an all time high. When are we going to realize that this isn't working? Our own fear keeps us in a constricted place, locked in from seeing other alternatives. Fear keeps us in a crazy loop of trying harder, "upping the ante," and driving more consequences in order to get our children to behave and to be compliant. Here is the traditional parenting crazy loop: For young children, we start by picking them up and putting them in the time-out chair. When they get too old to sit in time out, we began removing privileges in order to get them to comply. When this becomes ineffective with a "whatever" response from them, we increase the stakes and ground them for a week. Finally, as teenagers, they realize they have the ability to just leave and run away. Then we call in the big guns and call the police. None of the craziness above is effective in the long-term, and only limited in the short-term. This problem is, love has not been a part of the solution...that is why the crazy loop has continued. If you want to end the cyclical turmoil in a family, put love into action. Unfortunately, many of us have no blueprint for what this looks like, so it challenges us at a deep level to consider that it would actually work. The next time your son runs away (and I also suggest looking closely at the circumstances that led up to this event and determine how much fear from both you and him contributed to the situation), I want you to plan a celebration for his return. Instead of calling the police, call the caterer! Seriously, bake a cake or some cookies. Make a banner that says, "Welcome home, son. We missed you." When a child returns, what we typically do is dump our fear onto the child. Instead of saying, "I was scared for you," we typically say, "How dare you leave this house and not tell us where you were going!" We need to realize that it took a tremendous amount of courage for the child to walk back into that door, knowing the parent was going to lecture him about everything he had done wrong. Put love into action when he walks in the next time. "Son, I'm so glad you're home. We missed you." It takes putting your fear aside and getting down to your core feelings. You did miss him. You are glad he is home. Let him know how special he is in your life. If you've lost these loving feelings towards your child due to the intense dysregulation going on, revisit pictures of when he was younger and when times were calmer and more pleasant. Get yourself back into a loving place with him. Later in the day, take the time to be with your child and listen to him. Talk about what it is that drives him to leave. Really listen to him. Give him space to voice himself. Stay out of being defensive. Know that when he feels heard, he will be able to hear you. When you give him the gift of being understood, you then can take the opportunity to express your fear. "I just get so scared when you leave. When I don't know where you are, I can't do anything to help you at that point. I also can’t do my ultimate job for you as a parent, and that is to keep you safe." Be courageous enough to try something different. You have the capacity to interrupt the negative crazy loop and to change this established pattern with your child. It takes trusting that love never fails.

Get Spooked

Americais a big country and in it are some very haunted hotels, hospitals and houses. Familykenkel shares some of the coolest and probably most scary places to visit on or before Halloween. Hang on to someone.

Trans-Alleghany Lunatic Asylum, Weston, VA– Take someone strong with you to hold onto as this former state hospital is still be home to hundreds of patients who lived and died there. Some of them come back to visit.  Brave souls can stay overnight with an experienced ghost hunter.

Villisca Ax Murder House, Villisca, Iowa

Several people were killed in this house including some children. Visitors to the house reported spontaneous instances of hearing children's voices, falling lamps, moving ladders and flying objects. Sound like fun? Have at it.

The Marshall House, Savannah, Ga.

This is a somewhat fun and odd place to stay in the beautiful city. It once served as a Union hospital during the Civil War. Some guests who have stayed there reported waking up with an outstretched arm as if a nurse was taking their pulse. And be sure to check if your travel partner is in bed with you. Water faucets turn on spontaneously.

Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast, Fall River, Mass.

Once the home of Lizzie Borden, this historic old house is now a B&B. Borden was accused of killing her sleeping father and stepmother with an ax. People believe their spirits as well as Ms. Borden’s haunt the house. The B&B owners serve the same breakfast the Borden’s ate in an effort to lure them back. Believe it or not.

Familykenkel invites readers to share any other haunted houses, hospitals, business, theaters or any other location where the souls of those who have passed on come back to check on things.

Reveals Extra Special Pumpkins for Halloween

There are the carved pumpkins that moms and dads create to decorate the outdoors on Halloween. And then there are the extra special ones which fancy celebrities. familykenkel shares some cool ways to make a pumpkin look like Harry Potter, a sports star or a monster, and more.

There are pumpkin carving kits that give anyone the ability to carve a pumpkin so it looks like someone famous. And there are people who grow pumpkins to look like well-known monsters. Whichever way one decides to go, it will please both kids and adults during the special time of the year to find that they’re looking for.

In case one wants a pumpkin that is grown to resemble Frankenstein, there is a farmer in Ventura, California who grows pumpkins to look like Frankenstein. His gourds are called “Pumpkinsteins” and they sell between $75.00 and $125.00 dollars. We’re not sure if he ships them or not. We doubt it since there is no website for the “Pumpkinsteins”. But if you live in the vicinity, why not check it out?

familykenkel also suggests visiting local arts and crafts stores to find stencils to use at home for both drawing and carving.  Below are a few more websites where fans can download stencils to use.

Have a ghoulishly fun time finding what you need to make Halloween a scream. 

Good Habits for Working Out

Many people work out to feel better, get healthy, and gain more strength. And it doesn’t really matter if it’s a one hour power workout in the gym or a ten minute video done in the living room. It just feels good. familykenkel shares some good habits for people who work out – alone or with others.

Hungry? Grab a protein snack on the way to the gym or from the fridge if working out at home. Don’t ignore grumbling stomachs. Exercising on an empty belly can breakdown muscle tissue – which is counteractive to why people workout in the first place. One good habit to keep in mind is the closer to workout time you are – the more simple the meal or snack. Eat a banana, a piece of cheese and some fruit. Even a small bowl of cereal will give you added fuel to start and finish the workout.

Using the equipment at the gym? Take your own sanitizing hand wipes or spray and bring your own water bottle. Wipe or spray the handles, knocks and anything else your hands touch before using the machine. Dry it well with a paper towel. No one wants to put their hands on someone else’s sweat. Make your own flavored water at home with water, lemon, lime, mint, and orange slices, add ice, cover and shake. Avoid using the water fountains.

In a rush to get to spin class on time? Leave a little earlier and avoid speeding to the class.

If working out at home, familykenkel learned the hard way to move free weights out of the way when done using them. One accidental toe stubbing resulted in a week’s worth of limping. Choose a time when no one is home to work out. Or carve time out for yourself by taking a power walk around the area. This is your time. Make it work for you.

New Recipient for the Notorious Gold Star

Q: I understand many of the Beyond Consequences principles and the idea of relationship-based parenting resonates with my heart. However, could you please explain more about why I should see my child’s issues as “regulatory” instead of “behavioral” and the neuroscience that supports this concept? A: Yes, I often say, “A child’s issues are not behavioral, they are regulatory,” because we need to parent children at the level of regulation and relationship. This is imperative, especially with a child who experienced childhood trauma, because we can then more deeply address the critical forces within this child that operate at
deeply address the critical forces within this child that operate implicit levels, beyond the exchanges of language, choices, stars, and sticker charts. The brain is growing at a rapid pace the first two years of life. Forty thousand (40,000) new synapses are formed every second in the infant’s brain. This growth and maturation is experience dependent on the social interactions from right-brain to right-brain between the parent and the child. The right brain is dominant for all children during the first two years of life in order to fully receive and interact with these non-verbal visual, tactile, and verbal communications from the parent. Research suggests that the regulatory interactions between the child and parent during these primal years is essential in order for the brain’s synaptic connections to develop normally and for functional brain circuits to be established. The attachment relationship is a major organizer for the brain during these primary years due to its ability to help the infant regulate emotions and states of stress. Additionally, relationships that offer emotional availability from the parent give the child a chance to develop healthy and responsive regulatory systems. An emotionally available parent provides a dyadic interaction that is socially stimulating and rewarding. This attachment communication is dynamic, multi-sensory (facial expression, auditory, verbal, and tactile), and reciprocal. These relationship-based interactions continue to be a driving factor in a child’s development well beyond these primary years. The engaging and safe social interactions in infancy provide the foundation and backdrop needed to later communicate with and understand and successfully read future caretakers. The child’s interpersonal neurobiology continues to crave connection and relationship throughout childhood in order to ensure healthy development into adulthood. However, when much of a child’s early life experiences have activated his fear response system, the child develops a negative and hopeless blueprint rather than a blueprint organized by affection and optimism. Dominant experiences of fear, loss, abandonment, terror, distress, rage, and indifference from the parent create ill-formed neurological pathways. Overwhelming amounts of stress in childhood create a child who is limited in his window of stress tolerance and ability to modulate emotional and affective states. The good news is that children are resilient and plastic. Meaning, a child’s nervous system and neurological pathways have plasticity, the ability to change, adapt, acquire, and create new and improved neurological pathways. It was in the relationship and emotional states of fear and overwhelm that the damage happened so it stands to reason that it is in the relationship and emotional states of safety and love that the repair and healing happens. Interactive repair, or simply, a safe relationship is what it takes. The most important and most effective “behavioral technique” your child needs in order to move him back within the behavioral boundaries of your home is relationship. Too much emphasis has been placed on what behavioral technique should be used or which punishment should be imposed. Well-meaning parents, who do not understand the concept of regulation nor understand the power of the relationship, use behavioral techniques far removed from human relational experiences. These techniques continue to fail over and over, keeping the family in chaos and potentially moving the family into crisis. Historically, when techniques were used and they resulted in behavioral change, the credit was given to the technique itself. Upon closer inspection, however, the question begs to be asked, “Was the technique or the relationship the influencing factor that brought about change?” The credit should not be given to the technique but rather the relationship that is at the heart of the child’s experience. The child values the relationship and changes his behavior in order to ensure his connection. It was the power of the relationship that created change, not the threat that came with the technique. Build the relationship; it is the key. It is the relationship that does the work…that is where real change happens because it is in the right brain-to-right brain experience that children are able to get back on course. More importantly, it is change that brings not only behavioral shifts, but deep healing that permeates to the heart and soul of a child who has experienced pain and vulnerability. (Isn’t that what really deserves that gold star?).

Information on the New Flu Vaccine

It is that time of year when health professionals are urging the public to get the flu vaccine. familykenkel shares information about what’s new with the flu vaccine this year.

Young children can get the ouchless vaccine via nasal spray. Seniors are encouraged to get an updated flu/pneumonia vaccine this year. One hundred children died from the flu last year and most of them were no vaccinated. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention states that approximately 24,000 people passed away last year from flu-related issues. The new Flu Mist Nasal Spray is recommended for children between ages two and eight. The mist can be also be used for anyone up to age 49 and not pregnant. Seniors over age 65 should also get the pneumonia shots – which should be given six months apart.

familykenkel knows there are other forms of the vaccine to ask the doctor about:

the regular shot; an egg-free shot for those allergic to eggs; a high-dose shot just for those 65 and older whose immune systems may need an extra boost; and a tiny-needle shot that just penetrates the skin. Don’t wait until flu season is in full swing (January to February) to get vaccinated.  Call the doctor to see if the vaccine is available and get it now. Prevention is the key to staying healthy and well this year.

Benefits of Renting Versus Owning a Home

Many former home owners turned to renting when the Great Recession hit and joined those were already renting a home, condo or apartment. These people found some benefits to renting versus owning a home, which familykenkel details below.

U.S.census data reported by RealtyTrac states the number of renters in American homes rose to 34.5% in 2011.  Close to one-fourth of all U.S.metro regions saw higher rental rates, which are still in effect today. When more people want to rent, the higher rental rates will be. Plus, the number of millenials who are now working are also renting.  This creates a shortage of rental homes and gives property management companies and landlords carte blanche to hike rental rates.  Despite the rise in rent and the lack of affordable housing, there are benefits to this type of living:

• Renters do not have the responsibility or cost of home repairs.
• They do not have to worry about lawn maintenance.
• They can pack up and move when the lease expires.
• They can negotiate for a better rate when moving in or when renewing, and add perks such as a new microwave oven, free carpet and air duct cleaning and valet trash service.

Familykenkel show encourages readers to be sure to explore different cities and towns close to work before signing a rental lease. Also, be sure to read every page of the lease, even if the lease it long – as most are. Ask questions. Be very much informed about what the lease covers and does not cover, when rent is due and what the late fee is per day. These are items which can make renting pleasant or miserable. Renting is not for everyone. But neither is home ownership.

Asks if Parents Should Snoop on Their Kids

Are there parents who insist their kids text them as soon as they get on the bus and as soon as they get to school? Do parents download and install GPS-related software so parents know where their kids are at all times? familykenkel ask these questions and a few more to gauge if parents snoop on their kids.

Today’s children have many more possibilities to end up in danger than in previous decades.  The Internet and smart phones with Internet access make it easy for anyone to contact them. Social media accounts are also huge draws for the wrong kind of people to reach out and touch kids. So, we ask: should parents snoop on their kids? Do they snoop on their kids and how?  In earlier times, it was common for mothers to read their daughter’s diaries. Now both parents can see what their brood is writing on the Internet and in texts and can monitor it.

There are some products parents can use to keep track of what kids are up to: NetNanny, SafeEyes, and MamaBear to name just a few. Familykenkel asks why parents need products like these and the answer is this: more than three quarters of American kids age12 to 17 have cell phones, half of those devices has Internet access, social media and email access. In addition, a survey found that 40% of fifth graders have their own cellphones, 75% of teens aged 13 to 17 have at least one social media account, and more than two-thirds say they text every day.  Parents always want to be sure their children are safe. Snooping on kids is one way to find out if they are okay, happy, not being bullied, where they say they are and safe.

Survey Says...

Finding solutions for our children at school has proven in the past to be an arduous and difficult task. I have sat in school meetings with over twenty professionals, ranging from teachers, principals, district personnel, caseworkers, psychiatrists, nurses, parents, education advocates, and more, all working to find solutions for one challenging student. Discussions, both pleasant and heated, have lasted for hours on end, only to come to the conclusion that another meeting needs to be scheduled in order to discuss the issues further. Through all of this, I have come to one conclusion:

This is way too complicated! We need to ask our children what they need. And I did just that. In my most recent eNote, I invited children to give their opinions about school. Here are the amazing results: 1. What do children need at school to make learning better? What would make you look forward to getting up and going to school every day? Be more understanding of our ever changing abilities (due to stress even if you don't see it). Less students and more one on one with the teacher. The students need their peers to be supportive. So maybe have a game once a week that will involve the students with their other peers working together to figure something out. By doing this, other students will get to know their classmates better and build positive relationships. Kids shouldn't have to line up and wait. They bother each other when in line. Having teachers and other people at school greet us in the morning, like they are happy to see us. I look forward to technology, because it makes me feel a part of the world. I get confused from a book. I can look up on the Internet to learn better. Teachers who are more hands on with their students. Don't just hand out assignments and lecture; they get more involved with the students. Knowing that I am waking up to a happy family. Would be great if it started later because I'm always stressed out about getting up and having to run to get dressed and rush to school. Teachers should make people feel good in the class and not bullied. Keeping things the same on set days. 2. Did you like school this past year? Why or why not? Yes, because I had the best teacher ever and she helped my class become a family. Yes, because my grades have gone up than last year. At my old school, they didn't sit down with me and explain what to do. But at my new school my teacher would always keep me after school and ask what are you having problems with and how can I help? She works with her students. No because the teachers were mean to me and punished me and put me in detention every day when I didn't even need it. YES - I liked my teachers alot better this year because they understood me. Yes, I liked playing at recess and I liked math. But I didn't like when the teacher yelled at kids, it made me scared. No, I did not like school this past year because my teacher called me stupid in front of the entire class, she sat me in the back of the classroom away from all my peers, and also by a window where she knew I would not pay attention. 3. Do you think homework helps you learn more? Please explain. No, because it just fries your brain and doesn't allow time for break and bond with your family. Homework should be school work because at home you're supposed to spend time with your family. Yes, cause sometimes you get homework that you don't know and then your parents help you with it and then you know it for the next time it comes around. No. Homework causes stress and stress causes nightmares. I don't think lots of homework is good because we want time to ourselves after school. 4. If you'd like to add anything I haven't asked in regards to school, please list it here: The teacher helped me succeed, by calling on me when I knew the answer and it made me feel better about myself. She taught me to never give up. I think they should use less books and more technology along with hands on training (everyone learns differently). I wish that other kids understood my disability better, so I would have more friends. Out of the mouths of babes, we have brilliant, yet very easy solutions that can be implemented into the classroom. Additionally, most of these solutions do not require any additional funding or resources. They all simply require being able put oneself into the perspective of the child and to feel what it is like to be the student once again. Incredibly, the responses, randomly collected from students in various grade levels, all reflected five key ingredients: Relationship Regulation Encouragement Understanding Emotional Safety And these five ingredients add up to same word: LOVE.